Have you ever lost something that you never thought you'd lose? It's possibly the worst thing you can feel, especially when it's a person. It's weird how if you lose something silly like your hairbrush or some money, it can feel like the end of the world. But then you realise the gut wrenching feeling you have inside you, like a pit in your stomach that only grows bigger as the time goes on. I've dealt with losing things and people before, some for the better and some I still wish I could have back and I think most people can say they feel the same way. It's sad that it can get to the point where you fight and you try so hard, but none of it seems to matter because you still end up losing them. It's so hard to write about things like this, especially when it's so fresh. In all honesty though writing it down makes things so much better to deal with, I also know that others don't process things the same way and that time is all you can give them. I t

End of the First Term

It's a new term and a hopeful one at that. I've had my results back, some were disappointing but others were the boost I needed in confidence. My first term was spent stressing over how well I wrote my essays and stories, worrying over the feedback I'd receive; now I am confident I know where I was going wrong, and how I am able to better my work. I finished the first term with a 2:1, which I never expected. After retaining so little at secondary school and my lack of further education compared to the others at University with me, I never expected to finish with a fragment shy of a first. I struggle with my self-confidence in general as many of you will know, but after receiving my feedback and grades this term it has had a huge weight lifted from it.  As many will know, the feeling of submitting your first few essays, clicking the button with eyes closed and then panicking for the next two weeks. It's a slightly sickening feeling, a pit builds and it's as if you

2016 Summary

First post of 2017! It's a new year, and if this year is anything like last year, then I know it's going to be good. I can definitely say that there were still times when things got tough, but I never gave up. Starting University, leaving my home town, making new friends, and moving in to my own place was such a huge change for me; there's absolutely nothing I would have changed though. On top of everything finally starting to look up, my episodes have started to change. I no longer have full blown episodes, I am still incredibly lethargic at times, and I have times where I don't feel like myself either, but I'd definitely say things are a lot better than they were.  I've attended a lot of lectures, studied, and written essays in the past few months; so finding time to free-write, whether it be my blog or continuing a few stories, there has been virtually no time. I know we all say no time and then look back to remember watching TV for 4 hours straight, but wh


So it's been a while since I last wrote, a lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same, I guess. Since the start of term in September I haven't had an episode, I've gotten incredibly tired and not felt quite myself, but as of yet I haven't lost any time. Considering it's been 2 years since I was in any form of structured day to day life, let alone structured education, I've impressed myself; if you were to ask me or anyone close to me a year ago, what I would be doing now, I don't think anyone could give you an answer. My life had no direction, nor did I much care to find any. If you were to ask me the same question now, I still wouldn't be able to give you a direct answer, but I have more of an idea as to what I would like, and my goals are now more achievable, rather than just dreams and fantasies.  I still don't look at my future with much hope though, I don't aspire to do things that will make a difference in the world, and I don't se


As many of you know basketball has been a massive factor in my life, and is one of the main sources of my passion and drive; losing it when I got ill, and crushing many of my dreams. Ever since I had to stop playing to the extent I was, it has been my mission to re-immerse myself in any way I can; whether that be watching games, volunteering as a children's coach, and sometimes tabling games. I have always kept the sport and the cultural aspects associated with basketball close to heart, always having been one of the few places I could be socially comfortable and accepted.  My fitness over the years has not been up to the standard needed to play, I have slowly been working myself towards an average level of fitness, enabling me to be in the position to consider training properly again. I know it's highly unlikely that I will ever be able to play at the level I used to, but that doesn't matter to me, the fact that I will one day be able to play a whole game again without g


There's less than a month to go, less than a month until I'm at University and beginning the next chapter of my life. Something that's always been a huge aspiration to me, is now becoming reality; I've never been so content, knowing that everything from here on out is going to mould me into the person I'm supposed to be. I may not have followed the conventional path to get here, but I'm going and that's all that's ever mattered to me; whether I went now or when I'm 40 it has always been something on my to do list.  It wasn't long ago I was sitting in bed scrolling through my news feed on Facebook, watching my friends post screenshots of their conditional/unconditional offers to Universities, and I was happy for them yet inside I could feel a pit of jealousy and bitterness. The fact that I was watching people I knew who had always been undecided about going to University, being offered places and they were still undecided as to whether it was fo

When Will We Change?

I often feel like an outsider looking down on myself and those around me, trying to make sense of everything happening. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I'm now technically a self-sufficient adult, the fact that I live on my own now is surreal I often question whether I'm dreaming or not. Then reality sets in and I know that it's not a dream. So many things going right, lifting my self-esteem until all the wrongs overcome me leaving me helpless once more.  There have been countless times where I've felt like I'm finally in control of my body, my life and my mind, opening up doors and giving me hope for the future, feeling optimistic that my condition won't define me forever, until I inevitably lose control once more. There are some things I have learnt to control over the years, like helping to extend my well periods by reducing stress and taking extra care of my body. What people don't tell you is how you learn to cope with the aspects you