When Will We Change?
I often feel like an outsider looking down on myself and those around me, trying to make sense of everything happening. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I'm now technically a self-sufficient adult, the fact that I live on my own now is surreal I often question whether I'm dreaming or not. Then reality sets in and I know that it's not a dream. So many things going right, lifting my self-esteem until all the wrongs overcome me leaving me helpless once more.
There have been countless times where I've felt like I'm finally in control of my body, my life and my mind, opening up doors and giving me hope for the future, feeling optimistic that my condition won't define me forever, until I inevitably lose control once more. There are some things I have learnt to control over the years, like helping to extend my well periods by reducing stress and taking extra care of my body. What people don't tell you is how you learn to cope with the aspects you slowly lose control of, things that came with ease and could be completed without a worry in the world.
I've never been the most confident of people, from a young age I've had a variety of issues with my body and the way I look; being bullied both mentally and physically throughout my life, being judged for the way I look everywhere. Getting ready in the mornings and noticing everything I would change about myself, only to step out of the door to have people confirm my own insecurities, telling me every way I need to change. As a child I had short hair, was taller than most my age, I carried some extra weight, and I played a lot of sports commonly associated with men, it didn't take long for people to single me out. I used to watch the people around me I considered friends carrying out their lives in very different ways to mine, revolving everything around their social lives and self-image, while I focused on my academics and sports.
In primary school they were all petty comments that hurt me, but never really fazed me; only when I got to secondary school did the comments begin to mould the overthinking, socially anxious ball of stress I am today. Don't get me wrong there were a lot of good times, but anyone that has been bullied at any point in their life can tell you the lifelong effect it has on you; I struggle to find something to wear and feel comfortable with the way I look, I don't see the one second glances people make at me as chance, my mind immediately jumps to the conclusion that everything about myself has just been scrutinised. I second guess my own opinions and feelings, purely because I overthink every situation acting out every possible outcome in my mind.
I came to terms a long time ago that I will never fit in the box that society has defined as normal, but then again I don't think anyone ever will. We are told and shown everyday how we are supposed to look, act and even feel, if we don't acknowledge it we are then penalised and pushed down. We question everyday where we have gone wrong in society, when worldwide someone commits suicide approximately every 40 seconds; as humans we aren't stupid, if anything we are far from being stupid, especially if we are able to design technology that sends us to the Moon and back. Yet we are unable to address the fact that we are killing each other everyday, both directly and indirectly; killing each other with weapons, but we also kill people by making them feel so worthless, that taking their own life seems like the only viable option.
The other day I saw a picture of a model in an article labelled "plus size models taking storm" not once did I see a plus size woman in one of the photos, we are setting unbelievable standards for the younger generations to aspire towards. What we aren't realising is that these are not standards we want our children to yearn for, we are making people ill both mentally and physically all because we wont change our standards. Men and women alike have been starving themselves for years, endangering their health in the hopes of becoming desired by society. I have been on both ends of the spectrum, labelled as "plus size" as a child, and now after having developed anorexia I have the body many people desire. I hate it. Why is it that when I was the most comfortable with my own body, everyone around me criticised every inch of who I am? Then after practically starving myself, nearly being hospitalised, and being signed off of exercise because my energy intake wasn't enough to sustain myself, I apparently have the idolised model body; it baffles me how we can praise such an unhealthy lifestyle, yet we scold people who medically are incredibly healthy, all because they have a little more meat on their bones.
It really hit me that things need to change when my collar bones and mid-section were complimented, these may not seem so bad to a lot of people. What was wrong about the comment, was the fact that I was complimented for being so skinny you could see bone, it is not attractive to walk around topless and be able to see my rib cage, especially the dip in my ribs where I broke them when I was 11. It is not attractive to wear a pair of leggings and be able to clearly distinguish my hip bones, and my pubic bone; if all of the bones were clearly noticeable on a dog, like they are on me we would scream animal cruelty and neglect. Why do we hold such different standards for ourselves? We talk a lot about change, yet we still publish stick thin models labelled "plus size" and advertise fad diets everywhere.
We consider how others view us in every aspect of our lives, we change ourselves to fit inside societies box; not once do we think of the one persons opinion that really matters though, our own. It's taken me a long time to realise that I need to appreciate myself more, it doesn't happen over night, but gradually things start to get better. It's an ongoing battle we all face, because as soon as we achieve societies standards, they change.
There have been countless times where I've felt like I'm finally in control of my body, my life and my mind, opening up doors and giving me hope for the future, feeling optimistic that my condition won't define me forever, until I inevitably lose control once more. There are some things I have learnt to control over the years, like helping to extend my well periods by reducing stress and taking extra care of my body. What people don't tell you is how you learn to cope with the aspects you slowly lose control of, things that came with ease and could be completed without a worry in the world.
I've never been the most confident of people, from a young age I've had a variety of issues with my body and the way I look; being bullied both mentally and physically throughout my life, being judged for the way I look everywhere. Getting ready in the mornings and noticing everything I would change about myself, only to step out of the door to have people confirm my own insecurities, telling me every way I need to change. As a child I had short hair, was taller than most my age, I carried some extra weight, and I played a lot of sports commonly associated with men, it didn't take long for people to single me out. I used to watch the people around me I considered friends carrying out their lives in very different ways to mine, revolving everything around their social lives and self-image, while I focused on my academics and sports.
In primary school they were all petty comments that hurt me, but never really fazed me; only when I got to secondary school did the comments begin to mould the overthinking, socially anxious ball of stress I am today. Don't get me wrong there were a lot of good times, but anyone that has been bullied at any point in their life can tell you the lifelong effect it has on you; I struggle to find something to wear and feel comfortable with the way I look, I don't see the one second glances people make at me as chance, my mind immediately jumps to the conclusion that everything about myself has just been scrutinised. I second guess my own opinions and feelings, purely because I overthink every situation acting out every possible outcome in my mind.
I came to terms a long time ago that I will never fit in the box that society has defined as normal, but then again I don't think anyone ever will. We are told and shown everyday how we are supposed to look, act and even feel, if we don't acknowledge it we are then penalised and pushed down. We question everyday where we have gone wrong in society, when worldwide someone commits suicide approximately every 40 seconds; as humans we aren't stupid, if anything we are far from being stupid, especially if we are able to design technology that sends us to the Moon and back. Yet we are unable to address the fact that we are killing each other everyday, both directly and indirectly; killing each other with weapons, but we also kill people by making them feel so worthless, that taking their own life seems like the only viable option.
The other day I saw a picture of a model in an article labelled "plus size models taking storm" not once did I see a plus size woman in one of the photos, we are setting unbelievable standards for the younger generations to aspire towards. What we aren't realising is that these are not standards we want our children to yearn for, we are making people ill both mentally and physically all because we wont change our standards. Men and women alike have been starving themselves for years, endangering their health in the hopes of becoming desired by society. I have been on both ends of the spectrum, labelled as "plus size" as a child, and now after having developed anorexia I have the body many people desire. I hate it. Why is it that when I was the most comfortable with my own body, everyone around me criticised every inch of who I am? Then after practically starving myself, nearly being hospitalised, and being signed off of exercise because my energy intake wasn't enough to sustain myself, I apparently have the idolised model body; it baffles me how we can praise such an unhealthy lifestyle, yet we scold people who medically are incredibly healthy, all because they have a little more meat on their bones.
It really hit me that things need to change when my collar bones and mid-section were complimented, these may not seem so bad to a lot of people. What was wrong about the comment, was the fact that I was complimented for being so skinny you could see bone, it is not attractive to walk around topless and be able to see my rib cage, especially the dip in my ribs where I broke them when I was 11. It is not attractive to wear a pair of leggings and be able to clearly distinguish my hip bones, and my pubic bone; if all of the bones were clearly noticeable on a dog, like they are on me we would scream animal cruelty and neglect. Why do we hold such different standards for ourselves? We talk a lot about change, yet we still publish stick thin models labelled "plus size" and advertise fad diets everywhere.
We consider how others view us in every aspect of our lives, we change ourselves to fit inside societies box; not once do we think of the one persons opinion that really matters though, our own. It's taken me a long time to realise that I need to appreciate myself more, it doesn't happen over night, but gradually things start to get better. It's an ongoing battle we all face, because as soon as we achieve societies standards, they change.
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