Being Normal

I've never believed that anyone in this world is "normal" because inside all of us there is that little bit of weirdness and what others might call abnormal, but there are times when I notice that I have more abnormalities than others. I try not to notice them because I know they shouldn't bother me; I am who I am and if someone doesn't like me well they can f*ck off haha, but when there's things and events that I can't do or can't go to it upsets me. I don't feel normal when I get asked to go somewhere but I can't because I'm too tired; it gets me thinking because I know that none of my friends have to think about if they're too tired to go out, their only worry is if they have the money and then how they're going to get there.

I know that my body isn't the same as my friends and it can't cope and keep up with all of the activities that they do, but I dream for the day when I don't have to consider how tired I am and I can just go out. Of course I wish I could do more of the things that my friends and teenagers my age all over the world do, but I can't and it sucks.

It gets me down because I know that if I wasn't ill I could go out and do all of these things; if I hadn't gotten ill I wouldn't be sitting at home all day everyday not going anywhere, because if I'm honest that is what my life has become over the past couple of months since I had to drop out of sixth form. I wish I could leave my house more often and go out and see my friends and do things that every other teenage does, but at the same time I know that if I do go out and do these things my health will deteriorate quickly and I could be in episode within days or even hours. 

It's a constant battle knowing that if I stay at home all the time I get sad and down; but if I go out I get tired and have to spend even more time at home, it's a battle that I can't win. I know it's not my fault and that I shouldn't dwell on the things I can't control, but when the things I can't control are slowly consuming my life it's hard to ignore...