Who am I

I've changed a lot over the past few years, obviously, but now I feel like I've changed so much that I'm not even sure who I am any more. I can have so many different moods throughout one day, that I don't even feel like the same person I woke up as this morning. So much has happened to me that I'm not sure if it's me being ill causing this, or if my lack of memory and funny periods that make me feel like I should have just taken a tab of acid or something.

People still look at me the same way and to me it doesn't seem as though they see a difference, but I notice the difference; when they look at me in the same way and talk to me in the same way, it's not them I notice. I notice my reaction to the way they're looking at me and how they're talking to me, something doesn't feel right for some reason this conversation is boring me, and just looking at them is making me angry, but I don't know why.

I spend so much of my time alone that when I'm around more than a few people everything is so intense. My thoughts switch from the conversation to paranoid thoughts about myself; the way I look, speak and sometimes even breath. I never used to be like this, I've always been self conscious because of bullying throughout school; I never used to care what someone else thought about me, but now everyone else's opinion even a strangers is the first thought in my mind when choosing an outfit or doing my make up. 

The hardest part about being so self conscious is that when my mood changes throughout the day, I no longer want to be wear the really pretty dress and jelly shoes I picked out, I want to be wearing that really comfy pair of joggers and old basketball t-shirt; as soon as my mood changes I'm 10 times more self conscious, because all of a sudden I don't feel pretty and slim any more, I feel like a huge sweaty blob who's thighs sweat because they touch, I feel like the ugly girl that people only hang around with because it makes them look more attractive. 

I know who I am, the only thing is there are so many different variations of me now, I don't know who I can be.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

End of the First Term

It's a new term and a hopeful one at that. I've had my results back, some were disappointing but others were the boost I needed in confidence. My first term was spent stressing over how well I wrote my essays and stories, worrying over the feedback I'd receive; now I am confident I know where I was going wrong, and how I am able to better my work. I finished the first term with a 2:1, which I never expected. After retaining so little at secondary school and my lack of further education compared to the others at University with me, I never expected to finish with a fragment shy of a first. I struggle with my self-confidence in general as many of you will know, but after receiving my feedback and grades this term it has had a huge weight lifted from it.  As many will know, the feeling of submitting your first few essays, clicking the button with eyes closed and then panicking for the next two weeks. It's a slightly sickening feeling, a pit builds and it's as if you
Read more

Abyss

About two weeks ago my therapist asked me to name a few things about myself that I like; we sat there for a good five minutes while I sat in silence, and she tried to push me to find things. Ever since she asked me it is all I have been able to think about, because honestly I can't name a single thing I like about myself, and what's even scarier is that I don't think I've ever been able to. I don't think I can honestly say that I have ever liked myself. I think it's one of the reasons why none of my relationships with anyone, romantic or just friends have ever lasted very long; it's as if anything that brings me joy and happiness is soon turned into something bitter and hateful in my head. If you were to ask me to name the things about myself that I dislike as with many others I could name a few things, the only difference is that on my list of things would be everything about myself in both appearance and in personality.  The funny thing is that I don&#
Read more

In episode

I'm struggling. These past few weeks have finally gotten to me; I have now been in episode for 80 days, I've never have an episode this long. It's weird to think that I've not been myself and haven't felt myself for that long; I'm getting more tired as the days go on, my headaches are getting worse and I feel more spacey, like I'm not here sometimes. It's even weirder because everyone around me says that this seems like a light episode, and that I seem more coherent; they say I'm nearly like myself apart from the voice.   I don't know if it's because of how long I've been in episode that is making me feel this way, or that in my head everything is weird on such a regular basis and that I've been having episodes for 4 years, that I've started to be able to make people think I'm doing better than I am. There has never come a point in the past 4 years where I have ever been used to being in episode; I don't know when I
Read more