Who am I

I've changed a lot over the past few years, obviously, but now I feel like I've changed so much that I'm not even sure who I am any more. I can have so many different moods throughout one day, that I don't even feel like the same person I woke up as this morning. So much has happened to me that I'm not sure if it's me being ill causing this, or if my lack of memory and funny periods that make me feel like I should have just taken a tab of acid or something.

People still look at me the same way and to me it doesn't seem as though they see a difference, but I notice the difference; when they look at me in the same way and talk to me in the same way, it's not them I notice. I notice my reaction to the way they're looking at me and how they're talking to me, something doesn't feel right for some reason this conversation is boring me, and just looking at them is making me angry, but I don't know why.

I spend so much of my time alone that when I'm around more than a few people everything is so intense. My thoughts switch from the conversation to paranoid thoughts about myself; the way I look, speak and sometimes even breath. I never used to be like this, I've always been self conscious because of bullying throughout school; I never used to care what someone else thought about me, but now everyone else's opinion even a strangers is the first thought in my mind when choosing an outfit or doing my make up. 

The hardest part about being so self conscious is that when my mood changes throughout the day, I no longer want to be wear the really pretty dress and jelly shoes I picked out, I want to be wearing that really comfy pair of joggers and old basketball t-shirt; as soon as my mood changes I'm 10 times more self conscious, because all of a sudden I don't feel pretty and slim any more, I feel like a huge sweaty blob who's thighs sweat because they touch, I feel like the ugly girl that people only hang around with because it makes them look more attractive. 

I know who I am, the only thing is there are so many different variations of me now, I don't know who I can be.

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