90 day episode

So I'm out of episode, after 90 days I'm awake; but to me it felt like the next day, I remember falling asleep in bed and then I woke up in bed with my boyfriend, but everything in my room has been moved. Apparently this wasn't the first time I'd decided to reorganise my room though. It's still weird and I can't say I'm used to it, but when I wake up I now expect things to have changed and moved, because it happens so often. 

 This was different though, I knew something was different from the last episodes, I felt different. My body no longer felt like mine; I've lost so much weight in this past episode, I now have pastel multi coloured hair, my sister had been back from university for at least 2 months, and we were leaving to take her back the next day. This was my longest episode ever, it's weird to think that in my head I slept for three months. To me I fell asleep and woke up three months later, I don't remember a quarter of this year, I've already been in episode for a couple of weeks at a time this year several times, and there's still 5 months left of this year. I don't know the exact figures but I'm pretty sure I have been out of episode for less that half of this year so far.

 I have no recollection of the majority of things that have happened over the past 4 years; at first it bothered me but now I've kind of become numb to the pain that my episodes bring. It still upsets me in a way when I wake up and discover how much time I've lost, but there's no point letting the things you can't change bring you down. I also know that I push my feelings down and away from me so I don't have to deal with it all; but there's only so much pushing and covering up until it all builds up, and all of the hurt and pain is too much, and then I shut down.

 When I say shut down I don't have to be in episode and it doesn't always cause an episode; I will literally shut down, people ask me questions and try to help but no matter how hard I want to explain I can't, words don't form in my mouth and tears fill my eyes, everything goes dark and everyone around me disappears. I don't know why this happens, and no matter how many people I've spoken to about it, doctors and everything I can't stop it; my body and brain no longer seem to be able to work together.

 This has been my life for the past four years, and I can feel it gradually getting worse, but at the same time I'm finding different ways to cope.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Abyss

About two weeks ago my therapist asked me to name a few things about myself that I like; we sat there for a good five minutes while I sat in silence, and she tried to push me to find things. Ever since she asked me it is all I have been able to think about, because honestly I can't name a single thing I like about myself, and what's even scarier is that I don't think I've ever been able to. I don't think I can honestly say that I have ever liked myself. I think it's one of the reasons why none of my relationships with anyone, romantic or just friends have ever lasted very long; it's as if anything that brings me joy and happiness is soon turned into something bitter and hateful in my head. If you were to ask me to name the things about myself that I dislike as with many others I could name a few things, the only difference is that on my list of things would be everything about myself in both appearance and in personality.  The funny thing is that I don...
Read more

End of the First Term

It's a new term and a hopeful one at that. I've had my results back, some were disappointing but others were the boost I needed in confidence. My first term was spent stressing over how well I wrote my essays and stories, worrying over the feedback I'd receive; now I am confident I know where I was going wrong, and how I am able to better my work. I finished the first term with a 2:1, which I never expected. After retaining so little at secondary school and my lack of further education compared to the others at University with me, I never expected to finish with a fragment shy of a first. I struggle with my self-confidence in general as many of you will know, but after receiving my feedback and grades this term it has had a huge weight lifted from it.  As many will know, the feeling of submitting your first few essays, clicking the button with eyes closed and then panicking for the next two weeks. It's a slightly sickening feeling, a pit builds and it's as if you...
Read more

Perseverance

There's less than a month to go, less than a month until I'm at University and beginning the next chapter of my life. Something that's always been a huge aspiration to me, is now becoming reality; I've never been so content, knowing that everything from here on out is going to mould me into the person I'm supposed to be. I may not have followed the conventional path to get here, but I'm going and that's all that's ever mattered to me; whether I went now or when I'm 40 it has always been something on my to do list.  It wasn't long ago I was sitting in bed scrolling through my news feed on Facebook, watching my friends post screenshots of their conditional/unconditional offers to Universities, and I was happy for them yet inside I could feel a pit of jealousy and bitterness. The fact that I was watching people I knew who had always been undecided about going to University, being offered places and they were still undecided as to whether it was fo...
Read more