Messed up

Have you ever felt like you're not yourself? That everything around you is hidden behind some kind of fog, only being able to make out a few details when you squint your eyes and think really hard. I've spoken to people before and watched films where they have said that they don't feel like themselves, or that they feel like they're in someone else's body, I never understood what they meant until recently. 

It's hard to understand until you've experienced it yourself; but it is not something that I want anyone to experience, feeling like you're in someone else's body and mind and like you're watching from an outside perspective, is not a fun experience. Watching yourself make so many mistakes and trying to fix them; but only making them worse because what you meant to say is not what was said, there have been so many times recently when I've said something and it sounds right in my head, but I sound like the biggest bitch alive when I actually say it. 

I know I haven't been myself recently and the only way I can describe how I feel is that my head is up my arse; my thought processes are all wrong and they no longer feel like my thoughts, don't get me wrong I know who I am and I know that all of the thoughts in my head are my own. Even though I know what I'm going to say before I say it, I don't realise how much of a bitch I sound until its been said. 

It's even harder to slow down my thought processes and try and work on making myself feel better, when none of the thoughts in my head feel like my own. I've gotten to a point where I have thoughts and it feels like I'm having a conversation with someone in my head; and when I look in the mirror I don't see me, I don't know who I am any more or who I'm becoming.