Lumpy Life

In these past few weeks I have been fighting with myself and others constantly, I have only been able to see the bad side to everything without even meaning to. Not only am I trying to get a handle on my episodes and my moods in that sense; for the past five years I have battled with depression, I have my up days and I have my down days, but recently it has felt like the world is against me and that I have been set up to fail. I admit that I have become a pessimistic person when I used to see everything with so much optimism and hope, now I don't see much point in anything because most things I try and do I am stopped from doing due to illness, or because I have also become incredibly paranoid. I have never coped well in social situations, because I have always been self conscious about how I look, talk, sound and just everything in general; if I have guests over all I will be able to think of is if anyone needs a drink or some food, and what we're going to do, if we should tal...

About two weeks ago my therapist asked me to name a few things about myself that I like; we sat there for a good five minutes while I sat in silence, and she tried to push me to find things. Ever since she asked me it is all I have been able to think about, because honestly I can't name a single thing I like about myself, and what's even scarier is that I don't think I've ever been able to. I don't think I can honestly say that I have ever liked myself. I think it's one of the reasons why none of my relationships with anyone, romantic or just friends have ever lasted very long; it's as if anything that brings me joy and happiness is soon turned into something bitter and hateful in my head. If you were to ask me to name the things about myself that I dislike as with many others I could name a few things, the only difference is that on my list of things would be everything about myself in both appearance and in personality.  The funny thing is that I don...