Abyss
About two weeks ago my therapist asked me to name a few things about myself that I like; we sat there for a good five minutes while I sat in silence, and she tried to push me to find things. Ever since she asked me it is all I have been able to think about, because honestly I can't name a single thing I like about myself, and what's even scarier is that I don't think I've ever been able to.
I don't think I can honestly say that I have ever liked myself. I think it's one of the reasons why none of my relationships with anyone, romantic or just friends have ever lasted very long; it's as if anything that brings me joy and happiness is soon turned into something bitter and hateful in my head. If you were to ask me to name the things about myself that I dislike as with many others I could name a few things, the only difference is that on my list of things would be everything about myself in both appearance and in personality.
The funny thing is that I don't even know who I am any more and I hate myself. I do not recognise myself any more, but the person I do see is not someone that I want to be. I see happiness in other peoples lives, I see smiles being shared and memories being created all around me; when I look at my life and the interactions I have with other people all I see is pain and destructions, I somehow posses the ability to ruin peoples lives without even trying.
So many people have asked me to try and explain what goes through my head; I have never been able to answer, because what goes through my head scares me. There are very few thoughts in my head the majority of the time; my head is like a black abyss, and when I'm on my own it feels like I am floating in this infinite dark and empty place. When I do have thoughts it's never just one at a time; it's like everything is so important all at one time, they're never happy or reassuring thoughts either. These thoughts make me yearn for the black abyss to return; because these thoughts drive me insane, these thoughts are able to crawl into the darkest places of my mind and then use my demons against me, these thoughts slowly make me hate myself more.
It's as if I have a self destruct button, except the guy in charge of my button is repeatedly pressing it over and over again, because once wasn't good enough for him. I thought I'd gotten past this self hatred over a year ago now, but I have never felt so alone and isolated in my life, it's like every fibre of my being is telling me I'm worthless.
I don't think I can honestly say that I have ever liked myself. I think it's one of the reasons why none of my relationships with anyone, romantic or just friends have ever lasted very long; it's as if anything that brings me joy and happiness is soon turned into something bitter and hateful in my head. If you were to ask me to name the things about myself that I dislike as with many others I could name a few things, the only difference is that on my list of things would be everything about myself in both appearance and in personality.
The funny thing is that I don't even know who I am any more and I hate myself. I do not recognise myself any more, but the person I do see is not someone that I want to be. I see happiness in other peoples lives, I see smiles being shared and memories being created all around me; when I look at my life and the interactions I have with other people all I see is pain and destructions, I somehow posses the ability to ruin peoples lives without even trying.
So many people have asked me to try and explain what goes through my head; I have never been able to answer, because what goes through my head scares me. There are very few thoughts in my head the majority of the time; my head is like a black abyss, and when I'm on my own it feels like I am floating in this infinite dark and empty place. When I do have thoughts it's never just one at a time; it's like everything is so important all at one time, they're never happy or reassuring thoughts either. These thoughts make me yearn for the black abyss to return; because these thoughts drive me insane, these thoughts are able to crawl into the darkest places of my mind and then use my demons against me, these thoughts slowly make me hate myself more.
It's as if I have a self destruct button, except the guy in charge of my button is repeatedly pressing it over and over again, because once wasn't good enough for him. I thought I'd gotten past this self hatred over a year ago now, but I have never felt so alone and isolated in my life, it's like every fibre of my being is telling me I'm worthless.
You are not alone. Please don't give up on yourself. Things will get better and your life and happiness is worth fighting for. Sending all the Love and Light your way!
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing person, you just need to find something that others like and admire in you, and let that grow in you ... a lot of people feel worthless, you are not alone in that - but all are valued more than they could imagine.
ReplyDeleteI admire your ability to write your thoughts and your feelings - I think that is an amazing talent, I love how your language flows and your story evokes thought - I am envious of talent like that ... that is not a worthless skill, but something that could open doors to sooooo much more.
You are not worthless, Lois. You`ve so many skills and you are so full of wisdom - more than normal for a teenager. You`ve really no reason for hating yourself. I could imagine the most thing for your own hate is that your illness destroy many interactions with friends. And so many times of life (since Summer 2012) you must spend without any recollection. It`s really hard for you and you feel perhaps empty in your brain. But you should know that many people love and admire you. You have a boyfriend and your family and so many friends. All want to help you. Please don`t think so negative about your own. Believe in yourself and your future. All will be good!!!
ReplyDeletePS: When you feel the black abyss that swallows up your thoughts contact your family or friends because you`re not alone!