I'm a cynic.
Where do I begin? I haven't felt so low and unimportant in a long time; it's amazing how in a split second everything can change, and all of the foundations I put in place to protect myself and make myself feel better have been torn down. I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am; because when I'm on my own everything else disappears and the walls begin to close in, swallowing me and engulfing all of the positives I have in hatred and self-loathing. I've never been confident nor have I ever liked myself, I guess that's why I have no confidence; but when someone comes along and finally makes you feel like you have worth and meaning, it changes everything.
I have been happy and I have enjoyed my life. When I look back though it's hard to see and pick out the positives in my life, don't get me wrong there are positives, it's just so hard to see it. I look at my future and I see no prospects, I don't see a future for myself. I can't cope being on my own; yet I can't keep watching myself destroy those around me. I'm fucked up beyond belief; if someone were to ask me to describe my life to them, no one would believe me or the ones that would believe me, would just view me as insane.
I have a very hard time letting people into my life, due to all of my insecurities, and now it's gotten to the point where it makes me realise that when I let people in is when everything starts to fall down. I am not stable, I am not happy, nor am I normal. Don't get me wrong I've always said it and I stand by my guns when I say I'm not normal; however I am not your average abnormal person, you would never just describe me as abnormal. I've always thought it myself and then over the years more people have pointed it out to me; I am insane, and my insanity not only destroys me but everyone around me too.
Very few people understand what it feels like, to walk through town and be known by everyone for so many different reasons. People stop me because they recognise me from basketball; more often than not though I am recognised as the crazy girl from the newspapers that sleeps all the time, and has mental health problems. There's nothing more that I want than to be able to just disappear into the background, because I seem to cause more problems than solving any.
I know what it's like to feel like life is giving up on me, but I also know that I am a self-destructive person, I seem to destroy and push away everything that means something to me. I also know what it's like to watch my problems and my faults destroy those around me. I know that you can't always have an amazing life, because life doesn't work like that. Life is hard, and life is shit but that doesn't mean that it won't get better. When every step you take to make things a little more bearable is only making things worse, then why do I keep trying?
Why do I keep trying, when all of my efforts to be happy, are thrown back in my face?
I have been happy and I have enjoyed my life. When I look back though it's hard to see and pick out the positives in my life, don't get me wrong there are positives, it's just so hard to see it. I look at my future and I see no prospects, I don't see a future for myself. I can't cope being on my own; yet I can't keep watching myself destroy those around me. I'm fucked up beyond belief; if someone were to ask me to describe my life to them, no one would believe me or the ones that would believe me, would just view me as insane.
I have a very hard time letting people into my life, due to all of my insecurities, and now it's gotten to the point where it makes me realise that when I let people in is when everything starts to fall down. I am not stable, I am not happy, nor am I normal. Don't get me wrong I've always said it and I stand by my guns when I say I'm not normal; however I am not your average abnormal person, you would never just describe me as abnormal. I've always thought it myself and then over the years more people have pointed it out to me; I am insane, and my insanity not only destroys me but everyone around me too.
Very few people understand what it feels like, to walk through town and be known by everyone for so many different reasons. People stop me because they recognise me from basketball; more often than not though I am recognised as the crazy girl from the newspapers that sleeps all the time, and has mental health problems. There's nothing more that I want than to be able to just disappear into the background, because I seem to cause more problems than solving any.
I know what it's like to feel like life is giving up on me, but I also know that I am a self-destructive person, I seem to destroy and push away everything that means something to me. I also know what it's like to watch my problems and my faults destroy those around me. I know that you can't always have an amazing life, because life doesn't work like that. Life is hard, and life is shit but that doesn't mean that it won't get better. When every step you take to make things a little more bearable is only making things worse, then why do I keep trying?
Why do I keep trying, when all of my efforts to be happy, are thrown back in my face?
Why do you keep trying...
ReplyDeleteCause you are a failure.
As long as you keep trying you will succeed... you just have to find your path... and a lot of your insecurities are the same as other peoples - no one has a perfect life... just different from your own!