Something to smile about
I talk about change a lot; I think that's because everyone is constantly changing, even if we don't notice it they are always happening. Changes in appearance, personality, smell and well just everything; if we stayed the same person all through our lives we would never excel in life, without change we wouldn't have any of the weird and wonderful discoveries we have today.
In our day to day lives we still change constantly, little adjustments that aren't noticed and then huge changes that everyone notices; all in the hopes of bettering ourselves. Sometimes we are in desperate need of change, yet we don't realise it, because our minds trick us into believing that everything is fine; it's only when that change is forced upon us, that we finally realise how long we have needed it. Over the past 2 years I thought I was happy; I thought I had found someone that made me happy, and pushed me to be the best that I could be. I was wrong.
I realise now how much he pushed me down, and destroyed me; because it was as if a huge weight was lifted and that I was free again, I should have felt free the whole time. At the time I wasn't aware of how it effected me; I realise it more now that I see and feel how I should really be treated. I have always found it easier to make friends and talk to men, mostly because women are too bitchy for my liking (so if you're a female friend feel privileged); but I've never been able to maintain anything romantically, and the one time I was able to, I let that person control and destroy me.
It's all so sudden, but I've found someone that actually treats me in the way I should be treated; making me realise even more how bad my previous relationships (both friendship and romance) have really been. I now feel respected, cared for, safe, secure, comfortable, and I can't stop smiling all because of him; all of these feelings are a foreign concept to me, and the happiness he makes me feel is out of this world. If this is what happiness really is, then I can't say I felt happy before. I've been so used to being treated poorly and like my feelings don't matter; always pushed down and having my flaws shoved in my face to make me feel worse, back handed insults so I didn't realise I was even being put down.
I have always been self conscious, and I can honestly say that I've never really liked myself for both my personality and looks. The way I can sit here right now as I write this, with no make-up on, in an old pair of leggings and a baggy jumper, my hair greasy and knotted hanging off my face, singing along to my favourite songs; whilst he sits at his computer playing games and singing along with me, looking over on occasion and smiling at me. I've never felt so comfortable with someone before, my worries seem to disappear; even when my paranoia takes over and my head has gotten the better of me, he has been there for me in a split second.
My fears now are the same as with everyone else I have met over the past 4 years; where at some point I will go into episode, and I'm not going to be able to control what happens. It scares me more so with him, because even in this short period of time I have never been afraid to lose someone more.
In our day to day lives we still change constantly, little adjustments that aren't noticed and then huge changes that everyone notices; all in the hopes of bettering ourselves. Sometimes we are in desperate need of change, yet we don't realise it, because our minds trick us into believing that everything is fine; it's only when that change is forced upon us, that we finally realise how long we have needed it. Over the past 2 years I thought I was happy; I thought I had found someone that made me happy, and pushed me to be the best that I could be. I was wrong.
I realise now how much he pushed me down, and destroyed me; because it was as if a huge weight was lifted and that I was free again, I should have felt free the whole time. At the time I wasn't aware of how it effected me; I realise it more now that I see and feel how I should really be treated. I have always found it easier to make friends and talk to men, mostly because women are too bitchy for my liking (so if you're a female friend feel privileged); but I've never been able to maintain anything romantically, and the one time I was able to, I let that person control and destroy me.
It's all so sudden, but I've found someone that actually treats me in the way I should be treated; making me realise even more how bad my previous relationships (both friendship and romance) have really been. I now feel respected, cared for, safe, secure, comfortable, and I can't stop smiling all because of him; all of these feelings are a foreign concept to me, and the happiness he makes me feel is out of this world. If this is what happiness really is, then I can't say I felt happy before. I've been so used to being treated poorly and like my feelings don't matter; always pushed down and having my flaws shoved in my face to make me feel worse, back handed insults so I didn't realise I was even being put down.
I have always been self conscious, and I can honestly say that I've never really liked myself for both my personality and looks. The way I can sit here right now as I write this, with no make-up on, in an old pair of leggings and a baggy jumper, my hair greasy and knotted hanging off my face, singing along to my favourite songs; whilst he sits at his computer playing games and singing along with me, looking over on occasion and smiling at me. I've never felt so comfortable with someone before, my worries seem to disappear; even when my paranoia takes over and my head has gotten the better of me, he has been there for me in a split second.
My fears now are the same as with everyone else I have met over the past 4 years; where at some point I will go into episode, and I'm not going to be able to control what happens. It scares me more so with him, because even in this short period of time I have never been afraid to lose someone more.
Relationships are based on knowing the whole person. In your case this is a bit 'extreme' because you have a whole 'new' person that he has to get to know. But I also know that your episode persona is an extension of yourself, you are still you inside but the outside bits that people see don't work quite as they should or as you'd expect and it's just a case of learning how to respond and react to these 'odd' responses from you. Your internal workings are still there and these are the important things, to coin an old phrase, 'Beauty is more than skin deep' and you're (mostly) beautiful both in and out of episode :)
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