Highs and lows
There are so many things that happen in an instant. Some of the things we witness or do can happen in the blink of an eye, and they can either make or break you. Everyone wants to be the best person they can be; whether that's in a personal sense, or if they want to be the best to live in specific way. What a lot of people don't take into consideration is the people around them, who strive for perfection putting every ounce of their being into becoming the best, and then it is all taken away from them. I lived this reality for several years. There aren't enough words to be able to fully describe the gut wrenching blow, when you're told you will never be able to be the person you haven dreamt of being for years.
Over the years I have moved from back up plan to back plan, having to find new pathways for myself in the hopes of finding and independent future. There have been many times when I have given up; I've been at the peak of the high times, and I've also been in the huge black hole in the ground. No one ever tells you how hard it is to pull yourself out of that hole though; the strength it takes is a hell of a lot more than pulling yourself to the high times, the journey is much longer and a lot harder. It's a lot easier to argue and fight with others, providing reason to the arguments and in the end winning or a mutual agreement; when that battle is with yourself, you better be ready for the fight of a lifetime. Anyone who has the courage and the ability to pull themselves out of that hole, has been through the hardest battle anyone could ever encounter, and they deserve to be congratulated.
Once you've been in that situation your perspective on life changes. Everything that was once so important, now appears minuscule. The hardest part is taking every single precaution to prevent you from falling into the hole again; there's the occasional slip up and you're back where you were, and climbing back out doesn't get any easier, but the reassurance that you did it before is enough to push forwards. The funny thing is that many people who have reached their peaks, who are fulfilling all of their dreams won't have to fight the same battles they did before to get where they are. The people who fall in holes however, have to encounter their problems over an over again.
Falling in holes doesn't mean that they will always be there, one day that hole can be filled or covered; we learn to work around our problems or build bridges to get over them. The hole and the memories it represents will always be there, but the way the hole looks will change. Then one day you'll look back at the hole and see a dark pit, covered and surrounded in the solution you supplied. The bitter memories will stay with you forever, but without the bitter memories the strength that you have today would never have been possible.
I know what it's like first hand to have everything taken away, solutions to be found, the solutions failing too and then having to move on to the next plan. I remember being in the dark hole and feeling like nothing would get better, the dark hole was my fate and I believed that was all that I would ever achieve. People would tell me to look on the brighter side and to keep pushing myself because things would get better; it took me such a long time to finally realise that things do get better, but better doesn't always come right now nor does it mean that you will be waiting forever for it. I spent countless nights awake waiting, hoping and even praying for everything to get better or I would end it.
There's not a day that goes by, when I am not thankful that my many suicide attempts failed. I have been at both ends of the spectrum; I've been at the top and had my whole life on track before life had even begun, I've taken the mountainous drop into the abyss, where I thought I would never crawl out of. I do look at my life and wonder why I got dealt such a bad hand, but in all honesty without all of the obstacles I've had to overcome in the past 18 years, I wouldn't be who I am today. There are some parts of me I wish I could erase, just like everyone has their problems and faults they'd like to be rid of, but without these I still wouldn't be the person I am.
After being told 4 years ago that all of my future prospects were no longer a possibility I broke down. Everything I had ever worked towards had been ripped from me and it sent me into a spiral, forcing me to take some serious reality checks, and eventually I reassessed my life for the future, and thus my life as you see it now is finally fitting into place. My life may not have been the path I was pushing myself towards originally, but the path I had chosen is no longer an achievable goal. I look at my future now with University slowly getting closer, I am truly terrified of the prospects, but even with all the fear and anxiety of the past repeating itself, I couldn't be more ready. I've had so many doors slammed shut in my face, now I've got my foot in this one, there's no chance I'm letting this opportunity slip away from me as well.
Over the years I have moved from back up plan to back plan, having to find new pathways for myself in the hopes of finding and independent future. There have been many times when I have given up; I've been at the peak of the high times, and I've also been in the huge black hole in the ground. No one ever tells you how hard it is to pull yourself out of that hole though; the strength it takes is a hell of a lot more than pulling yourself to the high times, the journey is much longer and a lot harder. It's a lot easier to argue and fight with others, providing reason to the arguments and in the end winning or a mutual agreement; when that battle is with yourself, you better be ready for the fight of a lifetime. Anyone who has the courage and the ability to pull themselves out of that hole, has been through the hardest battle anyone could ever encounter, and they deserve to be congratulated.
Once you've been in that situation your perspective on life changes. Everything that was once so important, now appears minuscule. The hardest part is taking every single precaution to prevent you from falling into the hole again; there's the occasional slip up and you're back where you were, and climbing back out doesn't get any easier, but the reassurance that you did it before is enough to push forwards. The funny thing is that many people who have reached their peaks, who are fulfilling all of their dreams won't have to fight the same battles they did before to get where they are. The people who fall in holes however, have to encounter their problems over an over again.
Falling in holes doesn't mean that they will always be there, one day that hole can be filled or covered; we learn to work around our problems or build bridges to get over them. The hole and the memories it represents will always be there, but the way the hole looks will change. Then one day you'll look back at the hole and see a dark pit, covered and surrounded in the solution you supplied. The bitter memories will stay with you forever, but without the bitter memories the strength that you have today would never have been possible.
I know what it's like first hand to have everything taken away, solutions to be found, the solutions failing too and then having to move on to the next plan. I remember being in the dark hole and feeling like nothing would get better, the dark hole was my fate and I believed that was all that I would ever achieve. People would tell me to look on the brighter side and to keep pushing myself because things would get better; it took me such a long time to finally realise that things do get better, but better doesn't always come right now nor does it mean that you will be waiting forever for it. I spent countless nights awake waiting, hoping and even praying for everything to get better or I would end it.
There's not a day that goes by, when I am not thankful that my many suicide attempts failed. I have been at both ends of the spectrum; I've been at the top and had my whole life on track before life had even begun, I've taken the mountainous drop into the abyss, where I thought I would never crawl out of. I do look at my life and wonder why I got dealt such a bad hand, but in all honesty without all of the obstacles I've had to overcome in the past 18 years, I wouldn't be who I am today. There are some parts of me I wish I could erase, just like everyone has their problems and faults they'd like to be rid of, but without these I still wouldn't be the person I am.
After being told 4 years ago that all of my future prospects were no longer a possibility I broke down. Everything I had ever worked towards had been ripped from me and it sent me into a spiral, forcing me to take some serious reality checks, and eventually I reassessed my life for the future, and thus my life as you see it now is finally fitting into place. My life may not have been the path I was pushing myself towards originally, but the path I had chosen is no longer an achievable goal. I look at my future now with University slowly getting closer, I am truly terrified of the prospects, but even with all the fear and anxiety of the past repeating itself, I couldn't be more ready. I've had so many doors slammed shut in my face, now I've got my foot in this one, there's no chance I'm letting this opportunity slip away from me as well.
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