Stressed out
There's so much and so little going through my head recently, both old and new information flooding my brain, making me process and re-surface everything from the past few years. All of my hopes and fears that have been and gone, but also everything that's new; pulling things that I haven't thought about in years, back up to the front of my mind making me re-evaluate decisions.
I'm finally in my new house, I'm exactly where I need and want to be right now but it seems to have made me confront a lot of problems I have ignored. I don't know if it's the change of environment and I'm making myself worry with past events, or whether I've been in such fast paced environments that I've never fully processed events at the time. I not only have free time to do things like go exploring the town, and do some sight seeing, but I have enough free time that I've found my head filled with thoughts and worries I can't control. It's times like these that I begin to contradict myself; I want to be alone so I can think, but at the same time I don't want to be alone because that's when my thoughts begin to spiral. I need time alone, yet I'm afraid of what my own head will do to me when I am alone.
Anyone that knows me well will know that when I become stressed or when I'm trying to straighten out my thought process I write, it's the only thing that can make me feel grounded and return order. I have several different pieces of writing I do, little projects I'm working on to either finish soon or over the years. I have one book that I don't let anyone read, it is also the only book I have for this use. When I can't focus and I find myself spiralling I write in my black book, in the attempt to return order; this is the book I write in between therapy sessions, and when my life gets thrown upside down, this book has stopped me from going to some very dark places on more than one occasion. It's not a book people often see me write in purely because of what's written inside it, when this book is needed I am on the verge of so many possibilities happening, that it's not ideal or I physically can't write what I need to with others around.
It may sound weird to people that I can find myself in situations where I need to remove myself from others, so I can go and write before I have a mental break down; many people have asked me why I don't just talk to someone about it, I talk to quite a few people about the problems in my life, but there is no one person that knows everything about what has happened to me or what I know. If I told people what I know and what I have been through I wouldn't blame people for not wanting to have me in their life any more; the amount of people I have spoken to who have told me that they don't know how I cope, or how I'm not more insane than I already am, the funny thing is they don't know even half of what I have gone through.
I had my future career in the palm of my hand when I was 12 years old, everything fell through and since then I've been picking up the pieces trying to patch what future I have left back together. Right as things seem to be getting better and I have hope for the future again something always happens, either it's me or someone close to me, that makes something happen causing me stress in the end. I wake up each morning hoping that today will be the day I can finally stop worrying and preparing for the worst, but inevitably something always happens and I'm left picking up the pieces again, fighting stress constantly in the hopes of maintaining my health.
In the past week I've had to make one of the hardest decisions, by removing a family member from my life, someone I thought differently of up until recently. I have and will always love them dearly, but I'm unsure of whether or not we'll ever have a relationship again; this isn't the first time I've had to pick up the pieces and deal with the repercussions due to this person, but after 18 years of waiting for change and seeing none, I've just got to let go. For my health and my well being I can't surround myself with people like that, I'm not as strong a person as I used to be. After 16 years of waiting for you to help build our relationship I finally took charge, and the relationship we had the past 2 years was the best it's ever been. Now I don't think we'll ever be on talking terms again, you were the one person that was always supposed to treat me like your princess, which meant being the gentlemen you were always supposed to be.
I hope that me removing myself from your life and providing this ultimatum gives you the kick you need to sort your life out, the heart breaking thing is that I don't think things will change. I shouldn't be in this situation, things shouldn't have had to come this far that I had to give you this option.
I'm finally in my new house, I'm exactly where I need and want to be right now but it seems to have made me confront a lot of problems I have ignored. I don't know if it's the change of environment and I'm making myself worry with past events, or whether I've been in such fast paced environments that I've never fully processed events at the time. I not only have free time to do things like go exploring the town, and do some sight seeing, but I have enough free time that I've found my head filled with thoughts and worries I can't control. It's times like these that I begin to contradict myself; I want to be alone so I can think, but at the same time I don't want to be alone because that's when my thoughts begin to spiral. I need time alone, yet I'm afraid of what my own head will do to me when I am alone.
Anyone that knows me well will know that when I become stressed or when I'm trying to straighten out my thought process I write, it's the only thing that can make me feel grounded and return order. I have several different pieces of writing I do, little projects I'm working on to either finish soon or over the years. I have one book that I don't let anyone read, it is also the only book I have for this use. When I can't focus and I find myself spiralling I write in my black book, in the attempt to return order; this is the book I write in between therapy sessions, and when my life gets thrown upside down, this book has stopped me from going to some very dark places on more than one occasion. It's not a book people often see me write in purely because of what's written inside it, when this book is needed I am on the verge of so many possibilities happening, that it's not ideal or I physically can't write what I need to with others around.
It may sound weird to people that I can find myself in situations where I need to remove myself from others, so I can go and write before I have a mental break down; many people have asked me why I don't just talk to someone about it, I talk to quite a few people about the problems in my life, but there is no one person that knows everything about what has happened to me or what I know. If I told people what I know and what I have been through I wouldn't blame people for not wanting to have me in their life any more; the amount of people I have spoken to who have told me that they don't know how I cope, or how I'm not more insane than I already am, the funny thing is they don't know even half of what I have gone through.
I had my future career in the palm of my hand when I was 12 years old, everything fell through and since then I've been picking up the pieces trying to patch what future I have left back together. Right as things seem to be getting better and I have hope for the future again something always happens, either it's me or someone close to me, that makes something happen causing me stress in the end. I wake up each morning hoping that today will be the day I can finally stop worrying and preparing for the worst, but inevitably something always happens and I'm left picking up the pieces again, fighting stress constantly in the hopes of maintaining my health.
In the past week I've had to make one of the hardest decisions, by removing a family member from my life, someone I thought differently of up until recently. I have and will always love them dearly, but I'm unsure of whether or not we'll ever have a relationship again; this isn't the first time I've had to pick up the pieces and deal with the repercussions due to this person, but after 18 years of waiting for change and seeing none, I've just got to let go. For my health and my well being I can't surround myself with people like that, I'm not as strong a person as I used to be. After 16 years of waiting for you to help build our relationship I finally took charge, and the relationship we had the past 2 years was the best it's ever been. Now I don't think we'll ever be on talking terms again, you were the one person that was always supposed to treat me like your princess, which meant being the gentlemen you were always supposed to be.
I hope that me removing myself from your life and providing this ultimatum gives you the kick you need to sort your life out, the heart breaking thing is that I don't think things will change. I shouldn't be in this situation, things shouldn't have had to come this far that I had to give you this option.
Hugs!
ReplyDeleteSome of the hardest decisions and choices are made for the right reasons, although many people never understand your reasoning ....
A new place, a new start, new adventures await and keep writing - sharing with a book is much better than bottling and exploding - it really does not help!