I'm still fighting

A lot contributes to change, some factors we can control and others occur as they please. Various different things have changed since I've moved, I'm not battling with my anxieties and paranoia of starting Summer University next week; I'm scared to meet people, I'm nervous of the workload and more than anything I'm terrified that I'm going to go into episode, and mess everything up again. I know that a lot of my worries are the same for the majority, meeting new people and doing things that you've never done before can be daunting to anyone, and more often than not within five minutes of pushing out of your comfort zone, you actually become comfortable in your new surroundings. I also know that me going into episode, and when it happens I have no control over, sometimes I can prolong my awake periods but that's not always the case. 

I try not to let my illness hold me back in life, I've come to terms with the fact that I have no control over it, and that all I can do is make the best of the times I have awake and use them wisely. What they don't tell you is that even when you push the worries to the back of your mind and try to keep moving forwards, that other things begin to surface and cause problems in other areas; while trying to fix these new problems, life continues and all of day to day battles of being an adult still happen, paying bills, organising priorities, sorting out University, upholding a social life, cleaning the house, the list goes on. Even when I have my worst days and it feels like nothing is going to get better, I know that I'm not the only one that feels this way, nor do I feel that my problems are the worst in the world, I know that there are people who have it worse than me. 

I am a worried person I get anxious about the smallest of things, I put back up plans in place for the most ridiculous of possibilities that have a 1% chance of ever happening, but I have to because when I don't I can't handle to situation and I shut down. Being ill may have made me more anxious and worried, but at the same time it's shown me how resilient I can be; I've lost the things that have meant everything to me, I've been kicked out of school, I've been through suicide attempts; and yet through everything I'm still here, I've gained cuts and bruises on the way, but I keep moving forward. There's been a lot that's happened to make me want to give up, I may not be in the best of situations right now, but I am still here, and I plan to keep fighting.