Perseverance

There's less than a month to go, less than a month until I'm at University and beginning the next chapter of my life. Something that's always been a huge aspiration to me, is now becoming reality; I've never been so content, knowing that everything from here on out is going to mould me into the person I'm supposed to be. I may not have followed the conventional path to get here, but I'm going and that's all that's ever mattered to me; whether I went now or when I'm 40 it has always been something on my to do list. 

It wasn't long ago I was sitting in bed scrolling through my news feed on Facebook, watching my friends post screenshots of their conditional/unconditional offers to Universities, and I was happy for them yet inside I could feel a pit of jealousy and bitterness. The fact that I was watching people I knew who had always been undecided about going to University, being offered places and they were still undecided as to whether it was for them or not. It killed me. There's no way to describe the feeling, being so happy for them, yet angry at myself for basically giving up hope that was ever going to be me. 

I guess at that point I was so used to losing everything I held dear, that I started to believe that I wasn't good enough to aspire to these things. I felt like I'd peaked and achieved so much so early on in life, that this was life's way of telling me that was it for me; accepting that the best times in my life had already happened, and now I was just dealing with the obstacles that life loves to throw at you, just to let you know that this is reality. I looked around everyday for two years, and nothing was changing. No one was willing to educate me, and those that were I was too young to attend; online courses didn't work for me, I couldn't ask the questions and get the answers back instantly, like you would in a classroom. My social life was next to nothing, my dog, my brother and my mum were my friends and my daily social life. 

In April this year I sat down, and took a good hard look at where my life was going. I was going no where, I was literally at a dead end and I was going to be spending the rest of my life living with my mum. That was the biggest reality check I had ever had, and I knew I had to change what I was doing. I started socialising more, going to my local pub and meeting people, making friends that I will never forget. I took it upon myself to find out what qualifications I would need to get into University, phoning around and researching online; if I couldn't go now I needed to find out how I could attend, as soon as I possibly could. Many people I contacted listened to my story, the reasoning behind why I hadn't been in education since GCSE's; listening with the faint sound of pity in their voice every, and the noticeable disappointment in their tone as they would tell me there was nothing they could do for me. 

Every phone call seemed to have the same conclusion "We'd love to have such a remarkable student like you, however we wont be able to cater to your needs" I was sick of hearing this. These were the reasons I'd given up hope before, it was as if no matter how hard I tried, or how much effort I put in, I was being penalised and denied further education because of my illness. Now don't get me wrong, I understand the difficulties my condition can cause, for god sake I live with it; being told however by an educating professional who is supposed to push everyone to follow the academic route, that because of my condition education is not and will not be a viable route for me to follow. I was sick of being penalised for trying to be normal. Constantly being told that my illness doesn't and won't define who I am, or stop me from leading a normal life; when it was and still is very apparent that it does have a major impact on what I can do, not because of me being ill, but due to the prejudice a disability holds. 

As a child you're told that the older you get the more understanding people are, I believe that to some extent. In reality it's more a case of people get better at hiding their judgements. The first time I felt lack of judgement in five years was when I made the phone call to the University I am currently attending, I spoke with two different people; both listened intently without the faked tone of understanding, instead with the tone of sympathy and admiration. Asking questions out of curiosity and to understand, but also to gauge the help I would require and how they could accommodate me. For the first time in two years, two women whom I had never met made me feel so welcome, and hopeful that I could thrive in an academic situation again; enrolling me on the Summer University programme, that has now enabled me to attend University at the same time as my peers. 

I don't think anyone will ever be able to understand how much this truly means to me, not only have I regained my education, but the confidence this has sparked is unbelievable. I'd accepted that because of my illness I wouldn't amount to anything great, pushing myself lower and lower, whilst having others confirm that for me too. People that know me well, know that no matter what I am doing whether its academic, vocational, or just a hobby I strive to produce the best in me; I lost that drive when I got ill, settling for average results out of everything, because who was going to give the disabled person the chance? Being disabled is now what gives me my drive, I refuse to conform to the social ideologies set in place; it gives me more reason to push myself, to prove all the people that told me I wouldn't amount to anything wrong. If I give up that's when my illness wins, and defines me; I am defined by my actions and who I put forward, not by my condition. The day I let my condition define me, will be the day when my fight is lost.

Comments

  1. Go Lois.... you can conqueror the world... you start by changing your attitude, your approach, your beliefs and with it you define who you are and I am sure you have your condition running scared!

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