Lumpy Life

I've changed a lot over the past few years, obviously, but now I feel like I've changed so much that I'm not even sure who I am any more. I can have so many different moods throughout one day, that I don't even feel like the same person I woke up as this morning. So much has happened to me that I'm not sure if it's me being ill causing this, or if my lack of memory and funny periods that make me feel like I should have just taken a tab of acid or something. People still look at me the same way and to me it doesn't seem as though they see a difference, but I notice the difference; when they look at me in the same way and talk to me in the same way, it's not them I notice. I notice my reaction to the way they're looking at me and how they're talking to me, something doesn't feel right for some reason this conversation is boring me, and just looking at them is making me angry, but I don't know why. I spend so much of my time alone th...

There are several things i've learnt over the past 3 years; some i've learnt from stupid mistakes, and others i've learnt from just watching; I've learnt that good people get hurt for no reason, and sometimes there is absolutely nothing you can do, I've also learnt that life doesn't give you what you want, if you want something you've got to work damn hard for it, but maybe the most important thing i've learnt is that nothing in the world matters as much as the people you choose to surround yourself with. The people you choose to have in your life should be the people you know will be there when you're at your weakest and you need a helping hand, it's only when something happens that you truly discover who is there for you. I have lost several people i thought were my friends since i got ill, many people couldn't accept my illness and who just didn't understand. I mean i understand that people don't understand and can't wrap the...

As a child you're told that when you grow up you'll go to school, get a job, meet someone, have kids, get married you know all that boring stuff; but what you don't get told is how hard it is to get up in the morning knowing that you're going to go to school to sit in a lesson that you know nothing about. No one tells you how your mind can turn you against yourself, seeing only a stupid worthless thing staring back at you; no one tells you that even though you want to be alone that's when everything's at it's worst. No one tells you how to fake a smile when all you want to do is cry, no one tells you how to dismantle a razor blade, and I'm certain that no one tells you how much relief you can feel when that silver blade is dragged across your wrist. No one tells us these things yet there are so many people all over the world who have done all of these things and still do. I know a few people who have been through this, I have also been through this my...

Everyone tells me that I'm incredibly grown up for my age and that I look and act much older than the 17 year old girl I am. While this is a great thing to hear it shows me that I don't act like a child trying to be grown up, but what a lot of people don't realise is that while I am 17 but am no longer in education, stay at home most days cooking and cleaning, I miss being able to do the simple things in life like go out and see my friends, I even miss school!!  I never thought that I would actually miss school, but now I do, I miss being challenged intellectually, I miss seeing my friends and even some of the teachers. I'm going insane sitting in my house all day doing the same things everyday, clean the kitchen, hoover, walk the dog, clean the bathroom, clean my room, clean the halls, do laundry, and occasionally actually going out to see people. School was what used to get me out of bed in the morning because it felt like I was doing something that could take me ...

I know I haven't written in a while so of it has been because I've been ill, the other part is because I just haven't had the time to. This easter holidays has been packed full of so much stuff; my sister came back from uni for a week, and me her and our older sister all drove back up to uni, so we could all go and see Mcbusted as our early birthday presents. MCBUSTED WAS AMAZING!! I'm not even joking probably the best concert I've been to!! So far I've seen Justin Bieber (eww I was young), Bring Me The Horizon (hell yeah I crowd surfed to high five Oli Sykes), Foals (we were so close to the front, and the train ride home was hilarious), and now Mcbusted. The showman ship of Mcbusted was immense, about 30 mins-1 hour they travelled from the front of the arena to the back ending up in a delorean, so even though we were quite far back we were suddenly able to see EVERYTHING!! They then went back to the front of the stage and announced that the stag is actually a w...

If you asked me 3 years ago what my aims and goals for the future were; I could have carried on for hours, I had so many different fields I could have worked in, varying from a career in sports, to a career in engineering. I had so many plans for my future and still do, only now I don't know how many of them I'll be able to fulfil.  Don't get me wrong, I still dream big and always will do; because if I don't dream big and set goals for myself I'll give up. Without hopes and dreams none of us would be where we are today. I still plan on doing some of the things I hoped to do 3 years ago; but when I intend to carry out these plans, who knows? I have to think about practicality, and how everything will effect my body, my mind and my energy levels. My life now revolves around how I feel on that specific day, which no one can know until that day comes, some days I can wake up with all the energy in the world, and on other days I just about have the energy to breath.  The...

Since 2012 I have been having episodes where I am sleeping for prolonged periods of time and my mental age regresses to that of a 5 year old; for 3 years I have had to learn how to cope with this, at the age of 14 I had to learn how to grow up in a matter of seconds and try and accept that this is my life now. I would have been able to learn all this and cope a lot quicker if I could remember what happens in these episodes; I could get over the fact that I sleep a lot and my personality changes to a 5 year old, but not being able to remember hours, days, weeks, and months at a time is the hard part I'm practically sleeping my life away. Throughout these past 3 years I have been bounced around from Doctor to Doctor hearing the same thing from each of them; they don't know what's wrong with me so send me to another doctor, or they don't believe me and just sign me off their books. I have had doctors who have outright told me that I'm just acting because I want atte...