Energy Levels
It's difficult waking up in the morning and knowing you only have a limited amount of energy; meaning you've got to choose carefully what you're going to do, because you can't do it all. This is my thought process everyday when I wake up, so many things I want to do yet i have so little energy to do them. There are many people out there who go through the exact same thing as me, but there are a lot more people who don't. Organising your day and having to decide between getting a shower or cleaning your room because you only have enough energy to do one or the other.
Even when I'm not in what we call an episode and I'm well and my normal self i have to think about what I'm going to do and how much energy it will use; because if i don't my episodes become more frequent and sometimes last longer, but it's become so normal now that i don't have to think much about how I'm organising my day it's more of a subconscious decision. I wish i didn't have to live my life like this but there's nothing i can do about it; I can't magically make myself better and gain energy, the amount of energy i wake up with doesn't increase it only decreases as the day progresses. It would be heaven if i didn't have to think about how I'm going to approach the day, but i do and you know what? I'm fine with it, i can't change how my body works i can only do things that could give me more energy for the next day.
I am only 16 so when i come out of an episode I want to go out and see my boyfriend and my friends and catch up with the family; i want to go and do what normal teenagers do because for however long my episode was i didn't do those thing, everything that happened while i was in episode i don't remember so I've missed peoples birthdays and even the little things like my boyfriend getting new pillows and duvet for his bed. As far as I'm aware these things never happened, so I'm finding out these things happened possibly weeks after they've occurred. Sometimes i make poor decisions though; i know that when i come out of an episode I'm exhausted and i need to ease myself into doing normal activities, being 16 of course i jump straight in and exhaust myself doing all the things I've missed out on over the past few weeks. Who can blame me though? I want to get back out there and show everyone that i can do normal things just like them, but i suffer for it the next day.
I came out of episode on Friday and i was tired but i wanted to go out, because so far this year i have only had 4 good days where i have fully felt myself. So i went out with my boyfriend, accompanied him to work on Saturday morning which meant waking up at 5 am, we went back to his after work and fell asleep for a few hours (oops) he dropped me off home on Saturday afternoon so i could eat and get changed while he did some bits; he picked me up later and we went out and saw a few friends, by this point i could feel myself running low on energy, we went back to mine after an hour or so and we went to sleep. It was only when i woke up this morning that i realised how low on energy I really was, I'd obviously done too much to quickly because when I woke up i could hardly keep my eyes open. Getting up to go to the toilet which is right outside my bedroom was a chore and it exhausted me, so it was decided that today was a rest day I didn't want to sit in bed feeling shitty because that's what I'd been doing for the past few weeks, but I knew I needed the rest.
Even when I'm not in what we call an episode and I'm well and my normal self i have to think about what I'm going to do and how much energy it will use; because if i don't my episodes become more frequent and sometimes last longer, but it's become so normal now that i don't have to think much about how I'm organising my day it's more of a subconscious decision. I wish i didn't have to live my life like this but there's nothing i can do about it; I can't magically make myself better and gain energy, the amount of energy i wake up with doesn't increase it only decreases as the day progresses. It would be heaven if i didn't have to think about how I'm going to approach the day, but i do and you know what? I'm fine with it, i can't change how my body works i can only do things that could give me more energy for the next day.
I am only 16 so when i come out of an episode I want to go out and see my boyfriend and my friends and catch up with the family; i want to go and do what normal teenagers do because for however long my episode was i didn't do those thing, everything that happened while i was in episode i don't remember so I've missed peoples birthdays and even the little things like my boyfriend getting new pillows and duvet for his bed. As far as I'm aware these things never happened, so I'm finding out these things happened possibly weeks after they've occurred. Sometimes i make poor decisions though; i know that when i come out of an episode I'm exhausted and i need to ease myself into doing normal activities, being 16 of course i jump straight in and exhaust myself doing all the things I've missed out on over the past few weeks. Who can blame me though? I want to get back out there and show everyone that i can do normal things just like them, but i suffer for it the next day.
I came out of episode on Friday and i was tired but i wanted to go out, because so far this year i have only had 4 good days where i have fully felt myself. So i went out with my boyfriend, accompanied him to work on Saturday morning which meant waking up at 5 am, we went back to his after work and fell asleep for a few hours (oops) he dropped me off home on Saturday afternoon so i could eat and get changed while he did some bits; he picked me up later and we went out and saw a few friends, by this point i could feel myself running low on energy, we went back to mine after an hour or so and we went to sleep. It was only when i woke up this morning that i realised how low on energy I really was, I'd obviously done too much to quickly because when I woke up i could hardly keep my eyes open. Getting up to go to the toilet which is right outside my bedroom was a chore and it exhausted me, so it was decided that today was a rest day I didn't want to sit in bed feeling shitty because that's what I'd been doing for the past few weeks, but I knew I needed the rest.
It's annoying that i have to live my life unsure of how I'm going to feel in 5 minutes let alone how I'm going to feel tomorrow; after 3 years of adjusting and well just getting used to it it's still annoying, but this is my life now and there's nothing i can do to change it. Of course i wish it was different and of course i still go out thinking I've got enough energy to when i don't; i am still a teenager and i am still learning how to cope with my lack of energy, but i know there's people in the world who have it a lot worse than i do so there's no point in sitting around being sorry for myself, i just need to learn how to cope with it.
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