Age
Everyone tells me that I'm incredibly grown up for my age and that I look and act much older than the 17 year old girl I am. While this is a great thing to hear it shows me that I don't act like a child trying to be grown up, but what a lot of people don't realise is that while I am 17 but am no longer in education, stay at home most days cooking and cleaning, I miss being able to do the simple things in life like go out and see my friends, I even miss school!!
I never thought that I would actually miss school, but now I do, I miss being challenged intellectually, I miss seeing my friends and even some of the teachers. I'm going insane sitting in my house all day doing the same things everyday, clean the kitchen, hoover, walk the dog, clean the bathroom, clean my room, clean the halls, do laundry, and occasionally actually going out to see people. School was what used to get me out of bed in the morning because it felt like I was doing something that could take me somewhere else, school could give me a future where I'm not just sitting around all day, but school is no longer an option.
It's weird to think that being in school is what classifies you and puts you on the border of being a child and an adult, while in school even at sixth form or in college you are considered a young adult, someone who is still a child but can hold some responsibilities. In my case though I am both an adult and a child at the same time, I have the maturity of an adult but my mental state is so unpredictable my 10 year old brother is normally the one babysitting me. I'm tired of being treated like an adult because I'm not one, I was thrown into adulthood several years before many others my age; but I'm also tired of being treated like a child, I may have my childlike moments but I don't want to be tiptoed around and treated like I could break any second.
I have an illness that takes it's toll on everything I do, every breath, every movement even every single thought has changed and is changed by my illness. There are some days when I don't feel like my illness is in control and it finally feels like I'm not a stranger in someone else's body, but these days are few and far between, these are the days that I long for; because these are the days that I feel normal again, these are the days when I don't feel like the weird person that falls asleep all the time and has the mental state of a five year old. I've learnt to accept the fact that I'm not a normal teenage girl any more and that my health takes priority, but it would be nice to be able to forget about being ill and to do things every other 17 year old does.
I don't think there is any teenager who feels "normal", they all have their own "shit" to deal with and they all think their "shit" is the worst ... however your "shit" is different - you have no control over when it happens, when it will end and nothing you can do will change that ... BUT you can think about how you feel.
ReplyDeleteYou need to believe that everyday is a good day or has the potential to become a great day! You need to take something you are interested in and make it work - I know you are doing your nail course, get studying, then volunteer your time to make other people feel great by doing their nails - perhaps at a young mum's group or an old folks home - where you turning up could really make a difference ... take some amazing photos - have a google at other peoples for ideas and then use them for a web site for future clients... if you don't make it cause of KLS - be up front and tell them that could happen, but reschedule and as you realise what a difference you make you want it more...
Find the reason to get up, to be you and to find your own course ... I know you can do it .... without your illness you know you would never be the same as everyone else, so don't let that be the decider start believing every bad spell is your last ... and start making that future happen!
I must agree: Of course it is not easy most of the time having to be at home. and it is logical that you miss about friends, social contacts and intellectual challenges.
ReplyDeleteBut still you're on the right track. as a nail stylist you're independent and you can build a customer base. Most importantly, you can use your creativity and love of the job you have. That's a good prospect for the future.
I know it must be hard to be highly intelligent and possess the maturity of an adult - but for a period of days or even weeks to have no control over regular brain and body, and to act at this time as a toddler. I also know that it's even worse for you to have no memories during these episodes.
But right now this is your destiny. If you feel good, you should enjoy your life and look for variety. Travel spontaneously in the holidays (such as Easter for Wales) and go to concerts. Then meet up with friends.
With this setting and your solid career goal you make the best of your life - and your mood will be greatly improved! For that, I press you fingers crossed. I wish you courage and confidence!