In episode
I'm struggling.
These past few weeks have finally gotten to me; I have now been in episode for 80 days, I've never have an episode this long. It's weird to think that I've not been myself and haven't felt myself for that long; I'm getting more tired as the days go on, my headaches are getting worse and I feel more spacey, like I'm not here sometimes. It's even weirder because everyone around me says that this seems like a light episode, and that I seem more coherent; they say I'm nearly like myself apart from the voice.
I don't know if it's because of how long I've been in episode that is making me feel this way, or that in my head everything is weird on such a regular basis and that I've been having episodes for 4 years, that I've started to be able to make people think I'm doing better than I am. There has never come a point in the past 4 years where I have ever been used to being in episode; I don't know when I'll be me again, and it scares me. Sometimes I start to feel better, go to sleep and wake up with everything around me spinning, the lights hurting my eyes, and every sound is amplified; there never seems to be an end.
I go out sometimes when I have the energy; but there are some days when I feel like I can cope with seeing people and want to be outside doing stuff like normal people, but I don't have the opportunity to go out. These are the days I find the hardest because within an instant of wanting to get up, and putting on make up and doing my hair so I feel pretty, my mood will change and it's in that moment I remember how much of a prison my own body has become. I have the energy to go out for once, but there's no one to go out with me; so I get upset because there have been so many times that I could have gone out, but I was too tired or even asleep so I missed it.
People think that it's got to be nice being able to watch tv and do what I want to do all day, they say even though I'm tired I'm allowed to sleep so it's not that bad. I never thought that by the age of 17 I would be confined to my home, even more so that I would spend an average of about 20+ in bed a day, because even walking to the bathroom can make me so tired that I've fallen asleep on the toilet, or collapsed because I've felt feint. I no longer feel like a person; people serve a purpose, everyone is relied on by someone whether its friends or family or whoever. I don't feel like anyone relies on me, I have nothing of worth to give anyone, it doesn't even feel like someone would rely on me to do something simple like fold clothes. Honestly I just feel like someone who has no purpose, because all I do is sit and watch everyone else around me moving on and just doing something that benefits them, I'm watching everyone succeed while I cry myself to sleep.
There are so many things I wish I could have done but couldn't because I got ill; I want to play basketball, but it's not just the big things it's all the little things like I couldn't take the dog for a walk. I look at my past and all I see are missed opportunities, so many things I could have done; when I look at my future I see pretty much the same thing, I don't see a career where I'm making a decent amount of money, I see myself always living with someone because I can't function or look after myself on my own, I need someone to look after me but they also need to have some sort of income because I can't work.
I want kids and always have wanted kids. I know I'm not prepared to have kids mentally, physically or financially; but over the past few months it is the only thing I am certain I will have in the future, if I was ready I'd have one now. Having children could be the best or worst decision I ever make, but knowing that there is someone who relies on me, who loves me and won't leave me because I'm weird. If I can't conceive my own children which I've already been told could be possible, I would adopt; I want kids even if they're not from my womb or have my DNA does not mean I can't love them, having kids is a chance for me to give back to the world something that can succeed, I can't work and I'm pretty sure I won't cure cancer, but who's to say my kids can't?
These past few weeks have finally gotten to me; I have now been in episode for 80 days, I've never have an episode this long. It's weird to think that I've not been myself and haven't felt myself for that long; I'm getting more tired as the days go on, my headaches are getting worse and I feel more spacey, like I'm not here sometimes. It's even weirder because everyone around me says that this seems like a light episode, and that I seem more coherent; they say I'm nearly like myself apart from the voice.
I don't know if it's because of how long I've been in episode that is making me feel this way, or that in my head everything is weird on such a regular basis and that I've been having episodes for 4 years, that I've started to be able to make people think I'm doing better than I am. There has never come a point in the past 4 years where I have ever been used to being in episode; I don't know when I'll be me again, and it scares me. Sometimes I start to feel better, go to sleep and wake up with everything around me spinning, the lights hurting my eyes, and every sound is amplified; there never seems to be an end.
I go out sometimes when I have the energy; but there are some days when I feel like I can cope with seeing people and want to be outside doing stuff like normal people, but I don't have the opportunity to go out. These are the days I find the hardest because within an instant of wanting to get up, and putting on make up and doing my hair so I feel pretty, my mood will change and it's in that moment I remember how much of a prison my own body has become. I have the energy to go out for once, but there's no one to go out with me; so I get upset because there have been so many times that I could have gone out, but I was too tired or even asleep so I missed it.
People think that it's got to be nice being able to watch tv and do what I want to do all day, they say even though I'm tired I'm allowed to sleep so it's not that bad. I never thought that by the age of 17 I would be confined to my home, even more so that I would spend an average of about 20+ in bed a day, because even walking to the bathroom can make me so tired that I've fallen asleep on the toilet, or collapsed because I've felt feint. I no longer feel like a person; people serve a purpose, everyone is relied on by someone whether its friends or family or whoever. I don't feel like anyone relies on me, I have nothing of worth to give anyone, it doesn't even feel like someone would rely on me to do something simple like fold clothes. Honestly I just feel like someone who has no purpose, because all I do is sit and watch everyone else around me moving on and just doing something that benefits them, I'm watching everyone succeed while I cry myself to sleep.
There are so many things I wish I could have done but couldn't because I got ill; I want to play basketball, but it's not just the big things it's all the little things like I couldn't take the dog for a walk. I look at my past and all I see are missed opportunities, so many things I could have done; when I look at my future I see pretty much the same thing, I don't see a career where I'm making a decent amount of money, I see myself always living with someone because I can't function or look after myself on my own, I need someone to look after me but they also need to have some sort of income because I can't work.
I want kids and always have wanted kids. I know I'm not prepared to have kids mentally, physically or financially; but over the past few months it is the only thing I am certain I will have in the future, if I was ready I'd have one now. Having children could be the best or worst decision I ever make, but knowing that there is someone who relies on me, who loves me and won't leave me because I'm weird. If I can't conceive my own children which I've already been told could be possible, I would adopt; I want kids even if they're not from my womb or have my DNA does not mean I can't love them, having kids is a chance for me to give back to the world something that can succeed, I can't work and I'm pretty sure I won't cure cancer, but who's to say my kids can't?
This episode will end.
ReplyDeleteThis episode could be your last and you need to find a way to believe it is.
KLS will not go on forever, the world needs you, you make it a better place by being here every day.
Your time will come, your experience will shape your future, but they won't define it ...don't give up on you... you are amazing!
To be able to write how you fill is a sign that this is not for ever - and you will suceed as you appear such a strong person and you will come out the otherside and have an amazing future. Just be patient with yourself and sleep and rest when you need to and one day the light will switch on and you will be back sooner than you think. Take care from a Grandmother who cares about all KLS suffers
ReplyDelete