Back where I was
Do you ever wonder if there's someone watching your life, waiting for everything to start to look up, and then they wreak havoc? In an instant everything's up in the air, and the happiness and enthusiasm you once had, broken down until it's just you. I don't know if it's just how anxious I am in general, or events that have happened, but I find myself in constant preparation for the worst to happen.
There are a lot of things that have happened recently, that have thrown me off course and knocked me back. Situations I haven't seen coming, nor did I ever think they would happen; effecting everything around me and making me feel insignificant. I keep doing things wrong and hurting those around me without meaning, it's come to the point where I'm deliberately removing myself. I've never really spent a lot of time socialising in person with other people, and for the past two years I have spent the majority of the time alone.I can't change what's happened in the past, I can only dictate what happens from this point on. If I shut myself away and focus on my work and myself, there's no possible way I can cause any more problems inadvertently.
It's weird how you imagine things panning out in your future, your hopes, your dreams and your expectations of what's to come. There's so much in my life that I've worked towards, in order to benefit my future; basketball meant that I sacrificed my social life to train for the hours that I did, being ill and having my episodes removes the amount of choice I have. It's been 2 years since I've been in social situations like I am now, even when I'd see people I wouldn't see them very often, and we were always in a small group at someones house; everything's different now, I'm in social situations I've never faced, with much more people many of which I've never met before. I've never been surrounded by so many people yet feel so alone.
Everyday life still continues and the stresses are building up, University work beginning to mountain, family life dynamics changing and separating. In such a short period of time I went from no people around me, to a more than I've had in a long time, then back to being alone. I don't want to be alone, but I guess I've gradually become accustomed to my own company, and occupying myself. Who knows maybe when I start University properly in September things will change, but for now I'm accepting of the fact that things haven't changed as much as I thought they would. I'm in the same situation I was in before, it's just been caused by different events.
There are a lot of things that have happened recently, that have thrown me off course and knocked me back. Situations I haven't seen coming, nor did I ever think they would happen; effecting everything around me and making me feel insignificant. I keep doing things wrong and hurting those around me without meaning, it's come to the point where I'm deliberately removing myself. I've never really spent a lot of time socialising in person with other people, and for the past two years I have spent the majority of the time alone.I can't change what's happened in the past, I can only dictate what happens from this point on. If I shut myself away and focus on my work and myself, there's no possible way I can cause any more problems inadvertently.
It's weird how you imagine things panning out in your future, your hopes, your dreams and your expectations of what's to come. There's so much in my life that I've worked towards, in order to benefit my future; basketball meant that I sacrificed my social life to train for the hours that I did, being ill and having my episodes removes the amount of choice I have. It's been 2 years since I've been in social situations like I am now, even when I'd see people I wouldn't see them very often, and we were always in a small group at someones house; everything's different now, I'm in social situations I've never faced, with much more people many of which I've never met before. I've never been surrounded by so many people yet feel so alone.
Everyday life still continues and the stresses are building up, University work beginning to mountain, family life dynamics changing and separating. In such a short period of time I went from no people around me, to a more than I've had in a long time, then back to being alone. I don't want to be alone, but I guess I've gradually become accustomed to my own company, and occupying myself. Who knows maybe when I start University properly in September things will change, but for now I'm accepting of the fact that things haven't changed as much as I thought they would. I'm in the same situation I was in before, it's just been caused by different events.
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