90 day episode

So I'm out of episode, after 90 days I'm awake; but to me it felt like the next day, I remember falling asleep in bed and then I woke up in bed with my boyfriend, but everything in my room has been moved. Apparently this wasn't the first time I'd decided to reorganise my room though. It's still weird and I can't say I'm used to it, but when I wake up I now expect things to have changed and moved, because it happens so often. 

 This was different though, I knew something was different from the last episodes, I felt different. My body no longer felt like mine; I've lost so much weight in this past episode, I now have pastel multi coloured hair, my sister had been back from university for at least 2 months, and we were leaving to take her back the next day. This was my longest episode ever, it's weird to think that in my head I slept for three months. To me I fell asleep and woke up three months later, I don't remember a quarter of this year, I've already been in episode for a couple of weeks at a time this year several times, and there's still 5 months left of this year. I don't know the exact figures but I'm pretty sure I have been out of episode for less that half of this year so far.

 I have no recollection of the majority of things that have happened over the past 4 years; at first it bothered me but now I've kind of become numb to the pain that my episodes bring. It still upsets me in a way when I wake up and discover how much time I've lost, but there's no point letting the things you can't change bring you down. I also know that I push my feelings down and away from me so I don't have to deal with it all; but there's only so much pushing and covering up until it all builds up, and all of the hurt and pain is too much, and then I shut down.

 When I say shut down I don't have to be in episode and it doesn't always cause an episode; I will literally shut down, people ask me questions and try to help but no matter how hard I want to explain I can't, words don't form in my mouth and tears fill my eyes, everything goes dark and everyone around me disappears. I don't know why this happens, and no matter how many people I've spoken to about it, doctors and everything I can't stop it; my body and brain no longer seem to be able to work together.

 This has been my life for the past four years, and I can feel it gradually getting worse, but at the same time I'm finding different ways to cope.

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