Disconnected

I've never been one to shy away from a question about my life or about how I'm feeling; I've always been an open book and still am, except now when someone asks me how I'm feeling I normally just say that I'm fine. I don't say it because I don't want to tell people how I feel any more, I just can't put my feelings into words because I don't know how I feel half of the time. 

 I don't even think I can call what goes on in my head feelings, they're just empty thoughts. There are only a few things and people that can put a real smile on my face, instead of the smile I force because everyone else is or I feel I have to. Even thinking about old memories that used to make me cry or make me laugh, when I think back now I know that they're happy or sad memories, I just can't make the emotional link. 

 The best word to describe my emotions is probably empty, even when I cry I don't feel sad I just feel empty, when I laugh and smile it just feels like a social necessity so I don't look weird to others around me. Don't get me wrong there are times when I do feel something and I don't just feel like I'm smiling because I have to, but the times when I am truly happy and actually feel like a person with feelings again are becoming few and far between. 

 I don't feel like myself; at first I thought it was because none of my clothes fit so everything I wear makes me feel horrible anyway, but the feeling hasn't gone away. I feel disconnected from everyone and everything half of the time, like I'm here just watching, listening and talking just to fit in and appear normal. If people really knew the thoughts that go through my head no one would think I'm normal, I'm sure a lot of people would stop talking to me, or be scared by my thoughts, I wouldn't blame someone for being scared of my thoughts though. My thoughts scare me too. 

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