Body Image
I know I've mentioned it briefly, and if you follow my Twitter, Facebook or Instagram, then I'm sure quite a few of you are aware of how much weight I have lost recently. I think it's about time I speak about this.
I have never been confident in myself especially when it comes to how I look; I have never considered myself as pretty or skinny, but I have always known that I am not ugly or fat either. It is not just me who has and still does pick out the flaws in yourself; everyone has something about themselves they would like to change and for many people it is more than one thing, it is not a bad thing to care about your appearance, it is only a bad thing when your life becomes consumed by it. I have always been larger than the other girls in my year but I have always been on the big side of healthy; when I played basketball being bigger helped me and acted as an advantage, when I got ill and my size wasn't needed for basketball, I knew I should lose weight but I also knew that I was not unhealthy.
I have always been self conscious of my size; mostly because growing up male attention was always directed towards the skinny pretty girls who can do their make up well, I have never been that girl, because I would much rather go and play football in the rain than go out and buy a new mascara. Not having male attention has never bothered me mostly, because the men that follow women for their looks and figure aren't the type of men I look for, or most women look for, being approached for a conversation instead of being approached because you looked good from across the room is what all women want. We are not just something that looks good for you to show off.
From a young age I have always been big in both height and my general body size; I have always been known as the big girl and that has never bothered me either, being known as the big girl that could and would use my size to stand up for others, or even just to reach the top shelf because they're too short, to me being big has always been my title and what I am known for. I have been bullied for my size, don't get me wrong I have never been overweight but I would have been considered a few years ago as butch.
By the age of 10 I was being questioned about my age to get on the bus and still be able to pay a childs fare; they didn't believe me because of my size, no one has ever been able to guess my age correctly. At 10 I was also wearing bra's I developed rather early as a result of my weight and because of genetics, but at the age of 10 I was a C bra cup size, in primary school I had breasts larger than people I know who are my age or older now. I was also about 7-8 stone by the end of primary school and already taller than 5 foot.
When I was 14 I was about 5 foot 6 and at least 12 stone, the majority of my weight was put down the amount of muscle on my body at the time, but I was still considered as heavy; at 14 I was a DD bra cup size, and I hadn't even finished growing yet. At 14 I could walk into most shops and buy things like tobacco and alcohol and not get questioned for ID, but my older sister would go into the shop and get asked and she was legal to buy these things.
In August this year I weighed between 13 and 14 stone at a height of roughly 5 foot 9 (I haven't measured myself properly) and I was an E bra cup size; I was still on the top end of heavy but not overweight and I was still healthy. In September I weighed 12 stoned and it was noticeable that I was losing weight. By the beginning of October I had dropped down to 11 stone which still wasn't dramatic, I was losing weight at a steady pace. However by the end of October so we're talking maybe 2 weeks, I weighed myself and I was 9 and a half stone and I have stayed that weight for a few weeks now.
In the space of 2 weeks I lost 1 and a half stone. I would now like to point out that over these past 4 months it has never been my intention to lose weight; I haven't been exercising more or taking part in some sort of diet. In these past 4 months, I have been sick at least once a day I wake up with the feeling that I am going to be sick; I have also lost my appetite, food no longer appeals to me, and I haven't felt hungry for a long time. I'm not deliberately making myself sick either, I would not consider myself as anorexic or bulimic and neither do either of my therapists.
I have never particularly liked my body but I didn't hate it either. Now I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. Yes, I now am the size that I have always wished I could be, but when I lost all of this weight I have also lost the only two things about my body that I actually liked. I am now a C bra cup size again which I haven't since year 7, that wouldn't bother me as much if my skin had shrunk with my boobs, because now I have granny boobs. I am 17 years old and I refer to my boobs as half filled bags of sugar, you can actually pull the loose skin around, I can no longer not wear a bra because I feel too self conscious even around family members. I never had the best of bums but I liked my bum, before I lost all this weight you could actually see I had a bum, now I will no go out without wearing a long tshirt or jumper to hide the fact that my trousers don't actually fit properly now, because there is nothing there to fill the space they make in trousers for peoples bums.
I may be skinny now, and people have told me how much the love my figure now, but I have never been more self conscious or sickened by the way I look in my life.
I have never been confident in myself especially when it comes to how I look; I have never considered myself as pretty or skinny, but I have always known that I am not ugly or fat either. It is not just me who has and still does pick out the flaws in yourself; everyone has something about themselves they would like to change and for many people it is more than one thing, it is not a bad thing to care about your appearance, it is only a bad thing when your life becomes consumed by it. I have always been larger than the other girls in my year but I have always been on the big side of healthy; when I played basketball being bigger helped me and acted as an advantage, when I got ill and my size wasn't needed for basketball, I knew I should lose weight but I also knew that I was not unhealthy.
I have always been self conscious of my size; mostly because growing up male attention was always directed towards the skinny pretty girls who can do their make up well, I have never been that girl, because I would much rather go and play football in the rain than go out and buy a new mascara. Not having male attention has never bothered me mostly, because the men that follow women for their looks and figure aren't the type of men I look for, or most women look for, being approached for a conversation instead of being approached because you looked good from across the room is what all women want. We are not just something that looks good for you to show off.
From a young age I have always been big in both height and my general body size; I have always been known as the big girl and that has never bothered me either, being known as the big girl that could and would use my size to stand up for others, or even just to reach the top shelf because they're too short, to me being big has always been my title and what I am known for. I have been bullied for my size, don't get me wrong I have never been overweight but I would have been considered a few years ago as butch.
By the age of 10 I was being questioned about my age to get on the bus and still be able to pay a childs fare; they didn't believe me because of my size, no one has ever been able to guess my age correctly. At 10 I was also wearing bra's I developed rather early as a result of my weight and because of genetics, but at the age of 10 I was a C bra cup size, in primary school I had breasts larger than people I know who are my age or older now. I was also about 7-8 stone by the end of primary school and already taller than 5 foot.
When I was 14 I was about 5 foot 6 and at least 12 stone, the majority of my weight was put down the amount of muscle on my body at the time, but I was still considered as heavy; at 14 I was a DD bra cup size, and I hadn't even finished growing yet. At 14 I could walk into most shops and buy things like tobacco and alcohol and not get questioned for ID, but my older sister would go into the shop and get asked and she was legal to buy these things.
In August this year I weighed between 13 and 14 stone at a height of roughly 5 foot 9 (I haven't measured myself properly) and I was an E bra cup size; I was still on the top end of heavy but not overweight and I was still healthy. In September I weighed 12 stoned and it was noticeable that I was losing weight. By the beginning of October I had dropped down to 11 stone which still wasn't dramatic, I was losing weight at a steady pace. However by the end of October so we're talking maybe 2 weeks, I weighed myself and I was 9 and a half stone and I have stayed that weight for a few weeks now.
In the space of 2 weeks I lost 1 and a half stone. I would now like to point out that over these past 4 months it has never been my intention to lose weight; I haven't been exercising more or taking part in some sort of diet. In these past 4 months, I have been sick at least once a day I wake up with the feeling that I am going to be sick; I have also lost my appetite, food no longer appeals to me, and I haven't felt hungry for a long time. I'm not deliberately making myself sick either, I would not consider myself as anorexic or bulimic and neither do either of my therapists.
I have never particularly liked my body but I didn't hate it either. Now I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. Yes, I now am the size that I have always wished I could be, but when I lost all of this weight I have also lost the only two things about my body that I actually liked. I am now a C bra cup size again which I haven't since year 7, that wouldn't bother me as much if my skin had shrunk with my boobs, because now I have granny boobs. I am 17 years old and I refer to my boobs as half filled bags of sugar, you can actually pull the loose skin around, I can no longer not wear a bra because I feel too self conscious even around family members. I never had the best of bums but I liked my bum, before I lost all this weight you could actually see I had a bum, now I will no go out without wearing a long tshirt or jumper to hide the fact that my trousers don't actually fit properly now, because there is nothing there to fill the space they make in trousers for peoples bums.
I may be skinny now, and people have told me how much the love my figure now, but I have never been more self conscious or sickened by the way I look in my life.
You are doing the right things when you can though... Doctors are doing tests and your therapists have investigated psych problems that might be causing this weight loss. The big problem is that noone except for psych doctors see this as the problem it really is, the doctors say there is nothing wrong... quite blatantly there is, oh, hang on a minute, where have I heard that before? You are doing all the right things and getting nowhere but where before whatever is wrong with you wouldn't kill you (because there was nothing wrong) this most certainly can. We'll keep at it because one day, we WILL find someone who has the time, patience and tenacity to find out what is wrong with you x
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