Lumpy Life

I think I'm back. It's been so long since I've actually felt like myself; but how I've been feeling the past two weeks is definitely a step in the right direction, I'm pushing myself to do all of the things I love but have avoided for so long. I've gotten in touch with old friends, I've even made new friends that accept me for who I am. I do struggle in social situations and I always have done, since I've been emerging from my cave (my bedroom) more often I've opened up to so much; including entering myself in a beauty pageant, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would be competing a beauty pageant. I am not your size 0, 6ft, blonde model type girl that would normally apply for a competition like this; after watching my sister compete last year it made me realise and see how much more there is to pageants like this. Even though my sister didn't win, watching the confidence she gained in herself and the motivation it gave her...

Where do I begin? I haven't felt so low and unimportant in a long time; it's amazing how in a split second everything can change, and all of the foundations I put in place to protect myself and make myself feel better have been torn down. I'm not as strong as everyone thinks I am; because when I'm on my own everything else disappears and the walls begin to close in, swallowing me and engulfing all of the positives I have in hatred and self-loathing. I've never been confident nor have I ever liked myself, I guess that's why I have no confidence; but when someone comes along and finally makes you feel like you have worth and meaning, it changes everything.  I have been happy and I have enjoyed my life. When I look back though it's hard to see and pick out the positives in my life, don't get me wrong there are positives, it's just so hard to see it. I look at my future and I see no prospects, I don't see a future for myself. I can't cope being...

It's amazing how everything can change in an instant; having to start again and pick up the pieces, all because of one decision. These past few months I've been losing myself more than I ever have before, I've felt like my grasp on reality has been getting less and less, dragging me down to that dark abyss everyday. It may sound incredibly cynical and pessimistic when I say I can't remember the last time I was actually happy, and it wasn't a façade where I was letting people believe that I'm happy, when inside I'm dying. I look at myself and think of what I would have said to myself when I was younger about my situation now; a 12 year old me would be so disappointed and angry, because looking at the life I have now it's not hard to see how much motivation, and just how much of a normal life I have actually lost. I have lost so much over the years, even before I got ill I have had myself prepared to lose everything, because I was and still am so used to...