Loss
It's amazing how everything can change in an instant; having to start again and pick up the pieces, all because of one decision. These past few months I've been losing myself more than I ever have before, I've felt like my grasp on reality has been getting less and less, dragging me down to that dark abyss everyday. It may sound incredibly cynical and pessimistic when I say I can't remember the last time I was actually happy, and it wasn't a façade where I was letting people believe that I'm happy, when inside I'm dying.
I look at myself and think of what I would have said to myself when I was younger about my situation now; a 12 year old me would be so disappointed and angry, because looking at the life I have now it's not hard to see how much motivation, and just how much of a normal life I have actually lost. I have lost so much over the years, even before I got ill I have had myself prepared to lose everything, because I was and still am so used to people leaving and never coming back. I am prepared to lose everything and everyone because that is what I have been shown; I have a stable home life and I know that my family will never choose to leave me, but the reality of losing them in other ways is still very apparent.
When I got ill, I did lose everything I held close to me. I had everything I wanted and needed to achieve all of my dreams at the age of 12; and then just after my 14th birthday I got ill and everything I had worked for was destroyed. One of the very few things that has ever made me happy was taken away from me; I don't think I'll every be able to find something to replace what basketball means to me, I would eat, sleep, drink and just do everything around basketball. When I lost basketball it was as if I lost a huge part of myself, my future plan was based around basketball, and the majority of my social life was basketball; not only did I lose my passion and my career prospects but I lost so many people I would call my friends.
At the same time I lost basketball I was also beginning to lose my academics; all of my hard work I had put in, all of the hours I spent revising in the car to and from basketball to fit it in around my schedule, was being lost as well. When I got ill the length of time I could and still can concentrate and form coherent sentences; it really hit me when the subjects I have always excelled at without trying then became hard for me. English, Maths and Sport have always been the areas I have excelled at, in primary school I was working at secondary school levels. Within a few months I went from being the 12 A* student who could be trusted with anything; to the student who got dropped down to 5 GCSE's that I was barely able to pass.
I remember making the decision about dropping myself down to the core subjects: Maths, English, Biology, Chemistry, and Physics just in the hope that I would be able to leave school with at least one passing grade. What I didn't expect and want to happen was exactly what did happen; after admitting to myself and everyone else, that I was no longer able to cope with all of the normal stresses of school like everyone else, changed everyone else's perceptions of me. In my two final years of school I was the student that every teacher knew, because they had to know me to ensure I wasn't going to endanger myself or others. Something I remember the most was being in one of my food-technology lessons before I dropped out, I was making a batch of cupcakes with butter cream icing, not exactly rocket science. My teacher who had been cooking with me for a good few years, was now watching me like I was a 5 year old cooking for the first time, I even saw her twitch and flinch a little every time I picked up a knife or was using the oven. My sports teachers were no longer interested in me either; it was as if now that I wasn't playing basketball and I had basically become the bottom underachieving percentage in the country, that I wasn't worth knowing any more.
I wasn't interesting any more. I was no longer the 12 A* student who played Basketball for the country, was labelled gifted and talented, and who was guaranteed a year early acceptance for both College and University on basketball scholarships. I was and still am now the girl who left school with; 2 passing GCSE grades, no extra curricular activities, 7% attendance for the whole year and 2 friends. I used to be so outgoing and I would love to try new things and experience them with new people; and now I'm so shut off and on high alert, that new things are just seen as something new I'm going to fail at, because everything I do now just seems to end in failure.
I look at myself and think of what I would have said to myself when I was younger about my situation now; a 12 year old me would be so disappointed and angry, because looking at the life I have now it's not hard to see how much motivation, and just how much of a normal life I have actually lost. I have lost so much over the years, even before I got ill I have had myself prepared to lose everything, because I was and still am so used to people leaving and never coming back. I am prepared to lose everything and everyone because that is what I have been shown; I have a stable home life and I know that my family will never choose to leave me, but the reality of losing them in other ways is still very apparent.
When I got ill, I did lose everything I held close to me. I had everything I wanted and needed to achieve all of my dreams at the age of 12; and then just after my 14th birthday I got ill and everything I had worked for was destroyed. One of the very few things that has ever made me happy was taken away from me; I don't think I'll every be able to find something to replace what basketball means to me, I would eat, sleep, drink and just do everything around basketball. When I lost basketball it was as if I lost a huge part of myself, my future plan was based around basketball, and the majority of my social life was basketball; not only did I lose my passion and my career prospects but I lost so many people I would call my friends.
At the same time I lost basketball I was also beginning to lose my academics; all of my hard work I had put in, all of the hours I spent revising in the car to and from basketball to fit it in around my schedule, was being lost as well. When I got ill the length of time I could and still can concentrate and form coherent sentences; it really hit me when the subjects I have always excelled at without trying then became hard for me. English, Maths and Sport have always been the areas I have excelled at, in primary school I was working at secondary school levels. Within a few months I went from being the 12 A* student who could be trusted with anything; to the student who got dropped down to 5 GCSE's that I was barely able to pass.
I remember making the decision about dropping myself down to the core subjects: Maths, English, Biology, Chemistry, and Physics just in the hope that I would be able to leave school with at least one passing grade. What I didn't expect and want to happen was exactly what did happen; after admitting to myself and everyone else, that I was no longer able to cope with all of the normal stresses of school like everyone else, changed everyone else's perceptions of me. In my two final years of school I was the student that every teacher knew, because they had to know me to ensure I wasn't going to endanger myself or others. Something I remember the most was being in one of my food-technology lessons before I dropped out, I was making a batch of cupcakes with butter cream icing, not exactly rocket science. My teacher who had been cooking with me for a good few years, was now watching me like I was a 5 year old cooking for the first time, I even saw her twitch and flinch a little every time I picked up a knife or was using the oven. My sports teachers were no longer interested in me either; it was as if now that I wasn't playing basketball and I had basically become the bottom underachieving percentage in the country, that I wasn't worth knowing any more.
I wasn't interesting any more. I was no longer the 12 A* student who played Basketball for the country, was labelled gifted and talented, and who was guaranteed a year early acceptance for both College and University on basketball scholarships. I was and still am now the girl who left school with; 2 passing GCSE grades, no extra curricular activities, 7% attendance for the whole year and 2 friends. I used to be so outgoing and I would love to try new things and experience them with new people; and now I'm so shut off and on high alert, that new things are just seen as something new I'm going to fail at, because everything I do now just seems to end in failure.
Hi Lois, your newest blog makes me very concerned. It's really heartbreaking to see how your illness has destroyed your dreams - especially your career as a top basketball player. I think you're very frustrated mindful of the fact that you have become uninteresting for your school teachers and also for almost all your friends. And I know that they can do not anything with a girl that is doomed spending a lot of time at home in bed and acting like a sleepwalker (as another person or even as a toddler). And another problem is probably that you`d lose social contacts also with friends who want spend time with you - cause you will have no memory about the things that you`ve done with them after the end of an episode. Is that also a problem for you, Lois? (by the way: You`ve written that you met Terry at very first time during an episode. Was it love at first sight and have you any recollection about?)But in spite of your negative experiences you should never give up the courage to learn new things and meet new people. New people are unbiased and open. And I am convinced that almost all will have great understanding of your situation - like your boyfriend. Please don`t give up, Lois!
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