Body
I wouldn't say everything's gone wrong or that it's falling apart, but I wouldn't say that everything's going as well as it could be. A lot has happened in the past few weeks that has changed my mindset, and the way I have approached a lot of things. It's hard to explain the emotions running through my head, because I have so many ups and downs in the shortest periods of time; when I'm around people and busy doing things, even if it's cleaning the kitchen I'm happy because I'm distracted. I've said before that when I have time to myself and nothing to do, I start to think and I think in depth. I have a very long history, both family and the history I have made myself; in some weird world someone must have put a big black mark across my name, because a lot of my history hasn't come with the best of luck.
Coping with my bad luck has always been the biggest challenge, I have been told by several professionals that my condition is caused by something that has happened in my life, that triggered me to have my episodes. What they don't tell you though, is how your brain can react in itself to having a condition like this. As a child I was healthy, perfect eyesight, perfect hearing (except when mum shouted), no conditions, no abnormalities; the worst thing I had as a child was a trip the emergency room because I'd hurt myself playing any sport I was allowed to.
Just before I started to have my episodes I got severely ill, vomiting after I swallowed any food, and I had horrific stomach pains; it was if someone had a kitchen knife, which they held over a flame until the blade was searing red, and then they were slowly stabbing my insides, until I was sweating and in tears. I spent many nights in hospital in this pain, whilst I vomited after every meal, until my vomit was coming up in bright red chunks in the bucket; I was asked countless times if I was pregnant or if I had taken any drugs, which I hadn't. My meals were stopped so that I wouldn't vomit bloody anymore, and I was kept on fluids over night through an IV, because I couldn't stomach liquids either. I never stayed more than a day in the hospital when I went in for this, because as soon as I stopped vomiting they would send me home; what they hadn't realised was that I wasn't vomiting because I felt better, I wasn't vomiting because I wasn't eating or drinking. We stopped going to the hospital.
As my episodes started to come on I was still unable to hold down food, so we were trying everything we could to make sure I ate, going to the lengths that I would eat up to 9 less than child sized portions, in the hopes that the less I ate at one time the more likely I'd be to keep it down. It worked for the most part and I slowly started to stop vomiting, with the help of anti-sickness tablets the GP prescribed me, anti-sickness tablets designed for chemotherapy patients.
What they don't tell you though, is that one of the side effects of this medication is loss of appetite, because obviously if you're not hungry you won't eat, so you won't be sick, genius! I lost my appetite completely and would refuse to eat food in episode; when I was awake I'd just avoid food in general, barely drinking a smoothie for sustenance, then moving onto Complan a milkshake designed for people with eating disorders. I was taking this medication for fours months, before anyone looked at the side effects of all of the pills I was on, which by then was nine tablets a day, all for varying problems my body was giving me. I still take the anti-sickness tablets to this day when I eat a meal, but I have learned when is the best time to take them, or I will have to excuse myself to the toilet, there's nothing sexier than hearing a girl throw up just after you've bought her dinner...
Another thing they don't tell you is how much of an impact something like that can have on you, even after you stop taking the medication. An unhealthy relationship with food was already in place, and my stomach had shrunk; for two months after I stopped taking the medication I still didn't eat properly, you were lucky to see me eat a packet of crisps. I had basically been given a tablet that gave me an eating disorder, which has then manifested in my head into something so much worse. In the six months I didn't eat I lost seven stone and dropped six dress sizes, since losing such a drastic amount of weight and mass in my body I had a very poor self body image, I didn't and still don't feel like I am and look like a size six going down to a four; I still feel like I'm size sixteen, and classified as plus size, that is the image I see when I look in the mirror.
I do not have a healthy relationship with food, and I will openly say that I have avoided eating food especially when I feel stressed, I do not like the way I look and a lot of what I eat and do revolves around if it betters my body image. I don't count calories or avoid certain foods like carbohydrates, when my eating gets really bad I avoid eating in general. I am not healthy physically or mentally, I feel weak constantly as if my legs could give way when I walk. I have been so skinny to the point that you could see my ribs, but not only that you could visibly see the dent in my ribs, from when I broke them when I was eleven. For some reason I see myself as the overweight person I was, some of my family and friends see me as the bony person I am; but weirdly enough a lot of people see me as this in shape, fit, healthy person with this amazing body, constantly being asked my secrets for achieving such a great body.
I'd kept the fact that I have an eating disorder to myself and people I felt comfortable telling, I'm writing this now on such an open forum where some of you know who I am, and others don't because I want people to know how fucked up this whole thing is. I tend to avoid swearing on here, but that is the only way to describe how body image is approached and viewed nowadays, and it's disgusting. Each day I scroll through social media adding to my own self conscious little bubble of body image, because I'm seeing what is now deemed as plus size to be my size! I am seeing girls be demeaned and worthless because of their size or the way they look, I never used to care what I looked like, I had a bob haircut as a child because it was practical for sports; I watch girls now at eight years old and younger obsessing over their looks, and wearing make up because they're not pretty enough.
725,000 people are estimated to be affected by an eating disorder in the UK alone, I am not proud to say I have an eating disorder, it kills me everyday to watch people eat without a care, and I worry about what that food will do to my body, or how much I've already eaten that day. I want anyone who remotely relates to what I have written or has an eating disorder themselves to know that they're not alone. I also want everyone who looks at their body and doesn't like what they see, that's okaii, but do not ever it affect who you are as a person or what you eat, and definitely don't ever let anyone else tell you that you don't look good. You rock your body and do whatever you want with it, you look good no matter what.
Coping with my bad luck has always been the biggest challenge, I have been told by several professionals that my condition is caused by something that has happened in my life, that triggered me to have my episodes. What they don't tell you though, is how your brain can react in itself to having a condition like this. As a child I was healthy, perfect eyesight, perfect hearing (except when mum shouted), no conditions, no abnormalities; the worst thing I had as a child was a trip the emergency room because I'd hurt myself playing any sport I was allowed to.
Just before I started to have my episodes I got severely ill, vomiting after I swallowed any food, and I had horrific stomach pains; it was if someone had a kitchen knife, which they held over a flame until the blade was searing red, and then they were slowly stabbing my insides, until I was sweating and in tears. I spent many nights in hospital in this pain, whilst I vomited after every meal, until my vomit was coming up in bright red chunks in the bucket; I was asked countless times if I was pregnant or if I had taken any drugs, which I hadn't. My meals were stopped so that I wouldn't vomit bloody anymore, and I was kept on fluids over night through an IV, because I couldn't stomach liquids either. I never stayed more than a day in the hospital when I went in for this, because as soon as I stopped vomiting they would send me home; what they hadn't realised was that I wasn't vomiting because I felt better, I wasn't vomiting because I wasn't eating or drinking. We stopped going to the hospital.
As my episodes started to come on I was still unable to hold down food, so we were trying everything we could to make sure I ate, going to the lengths that I would eat up to 9 less than child sized portions, in the hopes that the less I ate at one time the more likely I'd be to keep it down. It worked for the most part and I slowly started to stop vomiting, with the help of anti-sickness tablets the GP prescribed me, anti-sickness tablets designed for chemotherapy patients.
What they don't tell you though, is that one of the side effects of this medication is loss of appetite, because obviously if you're not hungry you won't eat, so you won't be sick, genius! I lost my appetite completely and would refuse to eat food in episode; when I was awake I'd just avoid food in general, barely drinking a smoothie for sustenance, then moving onto Complan a milkshake designed for people with eating disorders. I was taking this medication for fours months, before anyone looked at the side effects of all of the pills I was on, which by then was nine tablets a day, all for varying problems my body was giving me. I still take the anti-sickness tablets to this day when I eat a meal, but I have learned when is the best time to take them, or I will have to excuse myself to the toilet, there's nothing sexier than hearing a girl throw up just after you've bought her dinner...
Another thing they don't tell you is how much of an impact something like that can have on you, even after you stop taking the medication. An unhealthy relationship with food was already in place, and my stomach had shrunk; for two months after I stopped taking the medication I still didn't eat properly, you were lucky to see me eat a packet of crisps. I had basically been given a tablet that gave me an eating disorder, which has then manifested in my head into something so much worse. In the six months I didn't eat I lost seven stone and dropped six dress sizes, since losing such a drastic amount of weight and mass in my body I had a very poor self body image, I didn't and still don't feel like I am and look like a size six going down to a four; I still feel like I'm size sixteen, and classified as plus size, that is the image I see when I look in the mirror.
I do not have a healthy relationship with food, and I will openly say that I have avoided eating food especially when I feel stressed, I do not like the way I look and a lot of what I eat and do revolves around if it betters my body image. I don't count calories or avoid certain foods like carbohydrates, when my eating gets really bad I avoid eating in general. I am not healthy physically or mentally, I feel weak constantly as if my legs could give way when I walk. I have been so skinny to the point that you could see my ribs, but not only that you could visibly see the dent in my ribs, from when I broke them when I was eleven. For some reason I see myself as the overweight person I was, some of my family and friends see me as the bony person I am; but weirdly enough a lot of people see me as this in shape, fit, healthy person with this amazing body, constantly being asked my secrets for achieving such a great body.
I'd kept the fact that I have an eating disorder to myself and people I felt comfortable telling, I'm writing this now on such an open forum where some of you know who I am, and others don't because I want people to know how fucked up this whole thing is. I tend to avoid swearing on here, but that is the only way to describe how body image is approached and viewed nowadays, and it's disgusting. Each day I scroll through social media adding to my own self conscious little bubble of body image, because I'm seeing what is now deemed as plus size to be my size! I am seeing girls be demeaned and worthless because of their size or the way they look, I never used to care what I looked like, I had a bob haircut as a child because it was practical for sports; I watch girls now at eight years old and younger obsessing over their looks, and wearing make up because they're not pretty enough.
725,000 people are estimated to be affected by an eating disorder in the UK alone, I am not proud to say I have an eating disorder, it kills me everyday to watch people eat without a care, and I worry about what that food will do to my body, or how much I've already eaten that day. I want anyone who remotely relates to what I have written or has an eating disorder themselves to know that they're not alone. I also want everyone who looks at their body and doesn't like what they see, that's okaii, but do not ever it affect who you are as a person or what you eat, and definitely don't ever let anyone else tell you that you don't look good. You rock your body and do whatever you want with it, you look good no matter what.
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