Comparisons

In these past few weeks I have been fighting with myself and others constantly, I have only been able to see the bad side to everything without even meaning to. Not only am I trying to get a handle on my episodes and my moods in that sense; for the past five years I have battled with depression, I have my up days and I have my down days, but recently it has felt like the world is against me and that I have been set up to fail. I admit that I have become a pessimistic person when I used to see everything with so much optimism and hope, now I don't see much point in anything because most things I try and do I am stopped from doing due to illness, or because I have also become incredibly paranoid.I have never coped well in social situations, because I have always been self conscious about how I look, talk, sound and just everything in general; if I have guests over all I will be able to think of is if anyone needs a drink or some food, and what we're going to do, if we should talk or watch a film or play a game, I will have conversations in my head replaying them over again until it sounds right and then I will actually start the conversation with someone. Even with people I have known for years I still get paranoid and anxious mostly about what they think of me; I'm not even 100% comfortable or worry free with my boyfriend or my family, but how can I be when I'm not 100% comfortable or worry free when I'm alone. I wish I could stop worrying about stupid things like how I pronounce a word or the way I look, but I don't know how to stop it nor do I know how to stop it from getting worse. It's not something I am able to control my God I wish I could; it's like my internal voice is constantly telling me everything I do is wrong and that I'm worthless, there's not much that actually gives me hope that things will get better any more. I know I sound like a downer the majority of the time; but I feel it's something people who haven't experienced it should know, and the people who have experienced or are still going through it that you are not alone, because I know I was a lot worse when it felt like I was the only person to feel this way. In the society we live in today it's hard not to be paranoid about the way you look or talk, because everyone is so judgemental nowadays it's as if being different or having a rough time makes you a bad person, so that gives them the right to call you out on all of the things that they think are wrong with you. Social media plays a huge roll in how we view each other; I have recently deleted my Facebook because of all the negativity it brings, everyday I would see an argument or someone having disgusting and completely irrelevant remarks thrown at them because they posted a picture of themselves. Girls are growing up in such a judgemental world; girls are told that being skinny and having big boobs, a big bum, being curvy, having long hair, and being able to apply make up like a professional bloody make up artist will make you pretty and attractive to guys, but not just guys because if you look like this you can get anything. I mean look at Kim Kardashian, what has she actually done that is of significance? Nothing! Why can no one see that we should not be praising a woman for having big boobs and a bum, and taking selfies everyday of herself in designer clothes in her mansion, with her child who's wearing an outfit that cost more than my wardrobe; not only is that pretty much all she does she has also been called out and admitted to "touching up" her pictures using photoshop, the woman removes at least 3 inches from her waist and enhances her boobs and bum. So many young girls look at her and feel disgusted in themselves because they don't look like she does in the picture, she doesn't even look like her picture! There is a quote I have recently come across that has opened my eyes to so much and I see so many things in a different light now. Theodore Roosevelt said "Comparison is the thief of joy, we need to not compare ourselves to others and think that the grass is always greener on the other side it just deprives us of our happiness" We are a generation that spends the majority of our time engulfed in a cyber world, where we spend our time looking at other people making judgements and comparisons and ultimately making ourselves feel worse. Until we as people can see that no two people will never be exactly the same, so instead of bring ourselves down with what someone else brings to the table that you can't, we need to start looking at what we can bring to the table, because everyone has worth and everyone is beautiful, we just forgot how to see the beauty in ourselves and can only focus on the beauty of others. The person you look at and wish you could look like or act like will not see themselves in the same light that you do, they themselves will have someone they idolise or wish they could be. Everyone is looking for happiness it's only when you accept who you are that you can truly be happy.

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