Lumpy Life

It's hard to explain how you feel to someone; when there are no words to explain how you feel, just an empty feeling deep down in your stomach. It's like a gut feeling that something isn't right or isn't going to be right; it can turn out to be nothing and that you were just worrying over nothing, but more often than not something happens.  How do you talk to people about how you feel when nothing seems ok any more? There isn't a way to tell someone how bad you feel when what goes on in your head scares you, how can you pass your pain onto someone else.  Maybe it's all in the head and all of the problems aren't actually there, but even if they aren't there, they were once or they feel so real that it eats you from the inside out. There's nothing like feeling like you're going insane; and that you're just constantly paranoid worrying about problems that don't exist, or worrying about problems that are being kept hidden.  No one told ...

I'm going to talk about someone, who I'm not going to name but I hope they know I'm talking about them when I write this.  There are some people in life who always seem to go unnoticed by the majority, but when the majority needs help, this small handful of people will always be there. This one person in particular has and will always be there for me and everyone I know; they can appear to be the happiest person, and when someone else is having a tough time they have always put that persons needs above their own.  This person is one of the strongest people I know; through all of the hard times, the horrible people and well shit that has been thrown at them, they have always remained that strong smiling person I know.  A smile doesn't always mean happiness though; I have been aware for a while that this person has not been happy in them self, the person that I have always seen as one of the strongest people I know broke.  Everyone breaks and has their dow...

It's amazing how so much can change so quickly; when i look back over the past three years, all i can think of is how different my life could have been if things had turned out differently. If i hadn't fallen ill three years ago with a mysterious illness which is still trying to be diagnosed, things would be very different.  Before i fell ill i was a high achieving 13 going on 14 year old in both my academics and my sports; playing basketball for the county and going for England trials that year, whilst also aiming to sit and complete my GCSE's a year early so i could enrol in college a year early with basketball as my main course.Everything i did was in the hope of pursuing a career in basketball. Now im 16 years old soon to be 17; basketball is no more in my life, and i passed my GCSE's by the skin of my teeth. Instead of pursuing a career in basketball i have had to change my career path because of my illness; it is rare for me to have enough energy to get out ...

Have you ever felt like you're not yourself? That everything around you is hidden behind some kind of fog, only being able to make out a few details when you squint your eyes and think really hard. I've spoken to people before and watched films where they have said that they don't feel like themselves, or that they feel like they're in someone else's body, I never understood what they meant until recently.  It's hard to understand until you've experienced it yourself; but it is not something that I want anyone to experience, feeling like you're in someone else's body and mind and like you're watching from an outside perspective, is not a fun experience. Watching yourself make so many mistakes and trying to fix them; but only making them worse because what you meant to say is not what was said, there have been so many times recently when I've said something and it sounds right in my head, but I sound like the biggest bitch alive when I actua...

I've never been one to shy away from a question about my life or about how I'm feeling; I've always been an open book and still am, except now when someone asks me how I'm feeling I normally just say that I'm fine. I don't say it because I don't want to tell people how I feel any more, I just can't put my feelings into words because I don't know how I feel half of the time.  I don't even think I can call what goes on in my head feelings, they're just empty thoughts. There are only a few things and people that can put a real smile on my face, instead of the smile I force because everyone else is or I feel I have to. Even thinking about old memories that used to make me cry or make me laugh, when I think back now I know that they're happy or sad memories, I just can't make the emotional link.  The best word to describe my emotions is probably empty, even when I cry I don't feel sad I just feel empty, when I laugh and smile it ju...

So I'm out of episode, after 90 days I'm awake; but to me it felt like the next day, I remember falling asleep in bed and then I woke up in bed with my boyfriend, but everything in my room has been moved. Apparently this wasn't the first time I'd decided to reorganise my room though. It's still weird and I can't say I'm used to it, but when I wake up I now expect things to have changed and moved, because it happens so often.  This was different though, I knew something was different from the last episodes, I felt different. My body no longer felt like mine; I've lost so much weight in this past episode, I now have pastel multi coloured hair, my sister had been back from university for at least 2 months, and we were leaving to take her back the next day. This was my longest episode ever, it's weird to think that in my head I slept for three months. To me I fell asleep and woke up three months later, I don't remember a quarter of this year, I...

I'm struggling. These past few weeks have finally gotten to me; I have now been in episode for 80 days, I've never have an episode this long. It's weird to think that I've not been myself and haven't felt myself for that long; I'm getting more tired as the days go on, my headaches are getting worse and I feel more spacey, like I'm not here sometimes. It's even weirder because everyone around me says that this seems like a light episode, and that I seem more coherent; they say I'm nearly like myself apart from the voice.   I don't know if it's because of how long I've been in episode that is making me feel this way, or that in my head everything is weird on such a regular basis and that I've been having episodes for 4 years, that I've started to be able to make people think I'm doing better than I am. There has never come a point in the past 4 years where I have ever been used to being in episode; I don't know when I...