Lumpy Life

I made it. I got further than I ever thought I would. I've actually been accepted into University, and I haven't been so happy in years; things are finally going my way, and I'm not worrying about my next move in life. My worries are now the same as the rest of my peers, I don't feel like I'm five steps behind everyone else anymore, I'm progressing at the same speed as everyone else, despite all of my setbacks. I've always pushed hard for everything that I've wanted, making sure I get there and fighting every step of the way until I achieve it. I remember sitting in school after I'd gotten ill, and I was talking with one of my teachers who didn't know me when I was well; basically telling me that no matter how hard I would try, I wouldn't be able to go to University, nor would I be able to live alone. Going from being told I'd be living in America on my own at 17, playing basketball at University on scholarship, and then in the space of...

Do you ever wonder if there's someone watching your life, waiting for everything to start to look up, and then they wreak havoc? In an instant everything's up in the air, and the happiness and enthusiasm you once had, broken down until it's just you. I don't know if it's just how anxious I am in general, or events that have happened, but I find myself in constant preparation for the worst to happen.  There are a lot of things that have happened recently, that have thrown me off course and knocked me back. Situations I haven't seen coming, nor did I ever think they would happen; effecting everything around me and making me feel insignificant. I keep doing things wrong and hurting those around me without meaning, it's come to the point where I'm deliberately removing myself. I've never really spent a lot of time socialising in person with other people, and for the past two years I have spent the majority of the time alone.I can't change what'...

The first week of Summer University is over! The weeks flew by and no I'm finding myself waiting for Monday to come around, just so I can go back up to the University and see everyone again. After 3 years out of education I forgot how much I actually enjoy learning, my days feel like they have purpose again and less like I'm floating around aimlessly. I have priorities and organisation in my days again, I'm not longer bored and wondering around thinking of ways to prolong the things I do, so I don't have to sit down and do nothing all day. I have assignments and essays to write, along with blossoming friendships with people I met this week.  It's been such a long time since I've felt like my future has any prospects further than sitting in my bed all day, but now I feel like there is hope for my future again. After one week at the University it has made me certain that this is the University I want to attend in September, not only has it solidified in my mind ...

A lot contributes to change, some factors we can control and others occur as they please. Various different things have changed since I've moved, I'm not battling with my anxieties and paranoia of starting Summer University next week; I'm scared to meet people, I'm nervous of the workload and more than anything I'm terrified that I'm going to go into episode, and mess everything up again. I know that a lot of my worries are the same for the majority, meeting new people and doing things that you've never done before can be daunting to anyone, and more often than not within five minutes of pushing out of your comfort zone, you actually become comfortable in your new surroundings. I also know that me going into episode, and when it happens I have no control over, sometimes I can prolong my awake periods but that's not always the case.  I try not to let my illness hold me back in life, I've come to terms with the fact that I have no control over it, an...

I wouldn't say everything's gone wrong or that it's falling apart, but I wouldn't say that everything's going as well as it could be. A lot has happened in the past few weeks that has changed my mindset, and the way I have approached a lot of things. It's hard to explain the emotions running through my head, because I have so many ups and downs in the shortest periods of time; when I'm around people and busy doing things, even if it's cleaning the kitchen I'm happy because I'm distracted. I've said before that when I have time to myself and nothing to do, I start to think and I think in depth. I have a very long history, both family and the history I have made myself; in some weird world someone must have put a big black mark across my name, because a lot of my history hasn't come with the best of luck.  Coping with my bad luck has always been the biggest challenge, I have been told by several professionals that my condition is caused b...

There's so much and so little going through my head recently, both old and new information flooding my brain, making me process and re-surface everything from the past few years. All of my hopes and fears that have been and gone, but also everything that's new; pulling things that I haven't thought about in years, back up to the front of my mind making me re-evaluate decisions.  I'm finally in my new house, I'm exactly where I need and want to be right now but it seems to have made me confront a lot of problems I have ignored. I don't know if it's the change of environment and I'm making myself worry with past events, or whether I've been in such fast paced environments that I've never fully processed events at the time. I not only have free time to do things like go exploring the town, and do some sight seeing, but I have enough free time that I've found my head filled with thoughts and worries I can't control. It's times like thes...

I think over the past 10 years I've been ready and accepting of the fact that everything happens for a reason, whether it's good or bad everything will effect where I end up. I'm ready for everything to get better, I mean who isn't? It's what we all hope for, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that more often than not things go wrong. I've spoken about the numerous back up plans I've had to work through over the years, when it's come to basketball, my academics, and just life in general.  Now I've come across a new obstacle that I've never had to find a solution to before. In a month hopefully I will be starting the summer University course, however the house my sister and I had set up and in place has fallen through; meaning that neither of us have a home at this time. Neither of us are homeless or living on the streets, because we have people who will/are housing us until we can sort out our situation; but neither of us have a con...