Lumpy Life

Have you ever lost something that you never thought you'd lose? It's possibly the worst thing you can feel, especially when it's a person. It's weird how if you lose something silly like your hairbrush or some money, it can feel like the end of the world. But then you realise the gut wrenching feeling you have inside you, like a pit in your stomach that only grows bigger as the time goes on. I've dealt with losing things and people before, some for the better and some I still wish I could have back and I think most people can say they feel the same way. It's sad that it can get to the point where you fight and you try so hard, but none of it seems to matter because you still end up losing them. It's so hard to write about things like this, especially when it's so fresh. In all honesty though writing it down makes things so much better to deal with, I also know that others don't process things the same way and that time is all you can give them. I t...

It's a new term and a hopeful one at that. I've had my results back, some were disappointing but others were the boost I needed in confidence. My first term was spent stressing over how well I wrote my essays and stories, worrying over the feedback I'd receive; now I am confident I know where I was going wrong, and how I am able to better my work. I finished the first term with a 2:1, which I never expected. After retaining so little at secondary school and my lack of further education compared to the others at University with me, I never expected to finish with a fragment shy of a first. I struggle with my self-confidence in general as many of you will know, but after receiving my feedback and grades this term it has had a huge weight lifted from it.  As many will know, the feeling of submitting your first few essays, clicking the button with eyes closed and then panicking for the next two weeks. It's a slightly sickening feeling, a pit builds and it's as if you...

First post of 2017! It's a new year, and if this year is anything like last year, then I know it's going to be good. I can definitely say that there were still times when things got tough, but I never gave up. Starting University, leaving my home town, making new friends, and moving in to my own place was such a huge change for me; there's absolutely nothing I would have changed though. On top of everything finally starting to look up, my episodes have started to change. I no longer have full blown episodes, I am still incredibly lethargic at times, and I have times where I don't feel like myself either, but I'd definitely say things are a lot better than they were.  I've attended a lot of lectures, studied, and written essays in the past few months; so finding time to free-write, whether it be my blog or continuing a few stories, there has been virtually no time. I know we all say no time and then look back to remember watching TV for 4 hours straight, but wh...

So it's been a while since I last wrote, a lot has changed and a lot has stayed the same, I guess. Since the start of term in September I haven't had an episode, I've gotten incredibly tired and not felt quite myself, but as of yet I haven't lost any time. Considering it's been 2 years since I was in any form of structured day to day life, let alone structured education, I've impressed myself; if you were to ask me or anyone close to me a year ago, what I would be doing now, I don't think anyone could give you an answer. My life had no direction, nor did I much care to find any. If you were to ask me the same question now, I still wouldn't be able to give you a direct answer, but I have more of an idea as to what I would like, and my goals are now more achievable, rather than just dreams and fantasies.  I still don't look at my future with much hope though, I don't aspire to do things that will make a difference in the world, and I don't se...

As many of you know basketball has been a massive factor in my life, and is one of the main sources of my passion and drive; losing it when I got ill, and crushing many of my dreams. Ever since I had to stop playing to the extent I was, it has been my mission to re-immerse myself in any way I can; whether that be watching games, volunteering as a children's coach, and sometimes tabling games. I have always kept the sport and the cultural aspects associated with basketball close to heart, always having been one of the few places I could be socially comfortable and accepted.  My fitness over the years has not been up to the standard needed to play, I have slowly been working myself towards an average level of fitness, enabling me to be in the position to consider training properly again. I know it's highly unlikely that I will ever be able to play at the level I used to, but that doesn't matter to me, the fact that I will one day be able to play a whole game again without g...

There's less than a month to go, less than a month until I'm at University and beginning the next chapter of my life. Something that's always been a huge aspiration to me, is now becoming reality; I've never been so content, knowing that everything from here on out is going to mould me into the person I'm supposed to be. I may not have followed the conventional path to get here, but I'm going and that's all that's ever mattered to me; whether I went now or when I'm 40 it has always been something on my to do list.  It wasn't long ago I was sitting in bed scrolling through my news feed on Facebook, watching my friends post screenshots of their conditional/unconditional offers to Universities, and I was happy for them yet inside I could feel a pit of jealousy and bitterness. The fact that I was watching people I knew who had always been undecided about going to University, being offered places and they were still undecided as to whether it was fo...

I often feel like an outsider looking down on myself and those around me, trying to make sense of everything happening. I'm still coming to terms with the fact that I'm now technically a self-sufficient adult, the fact that I live on my own now is surreal I often question whether I'm dreaming or not. Then reality sets in and I know that it's not a dream. So many things going right, lifting my self-esteem until all the wrongs overcome me leaving me helpless once more.  There have been countless times where I've felt like I'm finally in control of my body, my life and my mind, opening up doors and giving me hope for the future, feeling optimistic that my condition won't define me forever, until I inevitably lose control once more. There are some things I have learnt to control over the years, like helping to extend my well periods by reducing stress and taking extra care of my body. What people don't tell you is how you learn to cope with the aspects you...

I made it. I got further than I ever thought I would. I've actually been accepted into University, and I haven't been so happy in years; things are finally going my way, and I'm not worrying about my next move in life. My worries are now the same as the rest of my peers, I don't feel like I'm five steps behind everyone else anymore, I'm progressing at the same speed as everyone else, despite all of my setbacks. I've always pushed hard for everything that I've wanted, making sure I get there and fighting every step of the way until I achieve it. I remember sitting in school after I'd gotten ill, and I was talking with one of my teachers who didn't know me when I was well; basically telling me that no matter how hard I would try, I wouldn't be able to go to University, nor would I be able to live alone. Going from being told I'd be living in America on my own at 17, playing basketball at University on scholarship, and then in the space of...

Do you ever wonder if there's someone watching your life, waiting for everything to start to look up, and then they wreak havoc? In an instant everything's up in the air, and the happiness and enthusiasm you once had, broken down until it's just you. I don't know if it's just how anxious I am in general, or events that have happened, but I find myself in constant preparation for the worst to happen.  There are a lot of things that have happened recently, that have thrown me off course and knocked me back. Situations I haven't seen coming, nor did I ever think they would happen; effecting everything around me and making me feel insignificant. I keep doing things wrong and hurting those around me without meaning, it's come to the point where I'm deliberately removing myself. I've never really spent a lot of time socialising in person with other people, and for the past two years I have spent the majority of the time alone.I can't change what'...

The first week of Summer University is over! The weeks flew by and no I'm finding myself waiting for Monday to come around, just so I can go back up to the University and see everyone again. After 3 years out of education I forgot how much I actually enjoy learning, my days feel like they have purpose again and less like I'm floating around aimlessly. I have priorities and organisation in my days again, I'm not longer bored and wondering around thinking of ways to prolong the things I do, so I don't have to sit down and do nothing all day. I have assignments and essays to write, along with blossoming friendships with people I met this week.  It's been such a long time since I've felt like my future has any prospects further than sitting in my bed all day, but now I feel like there is hope for my future again. After one week at the University it has made me certain that this is the University I want to attend in September, not only has it solidified in my mind ...

A lot contributes to change, some factors we can control and others occur as they please. Various different things have changed since I've moved, I'm not battling with my anxieties and paranoia of starting Summer University next week; I'm scared to meet people, I'm nervous of the workload and more than anything I'm terrified that I'm going to go into episode, and mess everything up again. I know that a lot of my worries are the same for the majority, meeting new people and doing things that you've never done before can be daunting to anyone, and more often than not within five minutes of pushing out of your comfort zone, you actually become comfortable in your new surroundings. I also know that me going into episode, and when it happens I have no control over, sometimes I can prolong my awake periods but that's not always the case.  I try not to let my illness hold me back in life, I've come to terms with the fact that I have no control over it, an...

I wouldn't say everything's gone wrong or that it's falling apart, but I wouldn't say that everything's going as well as it could be. A lot has happened in the past few weeks that has changed my mindset, and the way I have approached a lot of things. It's hard to explain the emotions running through my head, because I have so many ups and downs in the shortest periods of time; when I'm around people and busy doing things, even if it's cleaning the kitchen I'm happy because I'm distracted. I've said before that when I have time to myself and nothing to do, I start to think and I think in depth. I have a very long history, both family and the history I have made myself; in some weird world someone must have put a big black mark across my name, because a lot of my history hasn't come with the best of luck.  Coping with my bad luck has always been the biggest challenge, I have been told by several professionals that my condition is caused b...

There's so much and so little going through my head recently, both old and new information flooding my brain, making me process and re-surface everything from the past few years. All of my hopes and fears that have been and gone, but also everything that's new; pulling things that I haven't thought about in years, back up to the front of my mind making me re-evaluate decisions.  I'm finally in my new house, I'm exactly where I need and want to be right now but it seems to have made me confront a lot of problems I have ignored. I don't know if it's the change of environment and I'm making myself worry with past events, or whether I've been in such fast paced environments that I've never fully processed events at the time. I not only have free time to do things like go exploring the town, and do some sight seeing, but I have enough free time that I've found my head filled with thoughts and worries I can't control. It's times like thes...

I think over the past 10 years I've been ready and accepting of the fact that everything happens for a reason, whether it's good or bad everything will effect where I end up. I'm ready for everything to get better, I mean who isn't? It's what we all hope for, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that more often than not things go wrong. I've spoken about the numerous back up plans I've had to work through over the years, when it's come to basketball, my academics, and just life in general.  Now I've come across a new obstacle that I've never had to find a solution to before. In a month hopefully I will be starting the summer University course, however the house my sister and I had set up and in place has fallen through; meaning that neither of us have a home at this time. Neither of us are homeless or living on the streets, because we have people who will/are housing us until we can sort out our situation; but neither of us have a con...

There are so many things that happen in an instant. Some of the things we witness or do can happen in the blink of an eye, and they can either make or break you. Everyone wants to be the best person they can be; whether that's in a personal sense, or if they want to be the best to live in specific way. What a lot of people don't take into consideration is the people around them, who strive for perfection putting every ounce of their being into becoming the best, and then it is all taken away from them. I lived this reality for several years. There aren't enough words to be able to fully describe the gut wrenching blow, when you're told you will never be able to be the person you haven dreamt of being for years.  Over the years I have moved from back up plan to back plan, having to find new pathways for myself in the hopes of finding and independent future. There have been many times when I have given up; I've been at the peak of the high times, and I've also b...

It's weird to think that in a few weeks I'm moving, not only house but I am moving a good distance across the country. I have applied for a summer creative writing course, which could lead me to getting into University in the upcoming year. I don't think anyone could fully understand how much this means to me, it means the world to me that I finally have my dream back; all I have ever wanted my entire life has been to go to University, and study something I have so much passion for and love dearly. If you know me well or even if you've just read my blog, you will know how much writing means to me; it is the best way I can express myself, its where I can open myself up fully and just let go of everything. I'm not the best at expressing myself through face to face interactions, don't get me wrong I can talk to people in person; I can tend to be quite awkward, and if it's a serious conversation I tend to get upset quite quickly. I tend to lose the conversation ...

For the past four years I have been floating around jumping from one thing to the next, without much thought to what it will do for me in the future. At this moment in time I am looking at my life, and I'm creating stepping stones for myself to progress back into the person I dreamt of becoming before I got ill. The prospect of re-enrolling in education is starting to become a reality; with the place I'm looking at also possibly helping me to study at University, something I have always had my mind set on, but it slowly became a fantasy as my illness progressed. Although the field in which I would like to study may have changed, the fact that I might actually have this opportunity back only makes me want to do it even more.  As you may have already guessed I do have a passion for writing, I love being able to express myself through words; how a few simple sentences can create a scene or a new thought process for someone. Instead of pursuing a career in basketball either as a ...

Miss Hertfordshire was amazing! I'll admit that I was actually terrified of competing, on the day my stomach was in knots and at one point I was nearly sick. There's no way I would change a single moment of the day though; I met some amazing new people with whom I am still in contact with, I had so much support from family, friends, my boyfriend, and all of the girls competing as well. I have never felt so welcomed into a competition before; there is a lot of stereotypes thrown towards people that compete in beauty pageants, but I did not see one of them in any of the girls that I met. Either the american's on the TV programmes are overly bitchy and sabotage each other for the camera's or we Brit's do it very differently to them. Even though the competition started at 7pm we were asked to get there for 10am to rehearse, a long day of wearing heels and walking up and down a catwalk, I'll tell you that much. We had help from one of the previous winners; who show...

I've been taking quite a few big gaps between my posts recently; it's not because I don't want to write any more or that I've lost interest, for the first time since I got ill I've actually had a busy schedule!  In the last month I have managed to get myself a job! That's right a real life job! It's basically part time because I choose which nights I would like as the events come around, but still I have a paying job, something I had thought was going to be near enough impossible. I have done several shifts now which I haven't found too draining, or too much for me to handle. The woman who hired me also agreed to sponsor me for Miss Hertfordshire, which meant that was another weight off my shoulders as the deadline for sponsorships was slowly closing in, without the sponsorship I would not have been able to compete.  Following my sponsorship my boss also organised me a photo shoot, to update my head shot and to gain some experience and ease around ca...

I entered this year in episode, waking up on the 1st of January in episode; after having had a quite a few drinks the night before, celebrating the new year in true Scouse fashion, by getting drunk with my Dad and quite a few other family members I rarely see. Although it wasn't the way I would have liked to enter the new year, not remembering the first days of the year; and also having to leave my Dads two weeks earlier than was planned, it wasn't one of my longest episodes. I still would like to avoid them as much as I can, lasting only ten days, it still knocks me back a lot more when the surroundings I wake up in are completely different than what I remember.  Since waking up on the 10th of January in my bedroom instead of in my Dads living room on the inflatable bed like I expected, I have managed to stay awake for possibly one of my longest periods yet; until once again I fell asleep on the 21st of February, not what I wanted.  Like the episode I...